Be careful when meeting casually
Q- I’m a SAHM (stay-athome mother) with a twoyear-old. We get out as often as possible, and I’ve exchanged numbers with other moms for play dates.
Recently, I started receiving texts from an elderly man I’d met at a coffee shop. He got my number from another mom.
He asked to meet up sometime. I brushed him off politely. He kept texting twice daily about when he was available. I wouldn’t respond. He sent a passive-aggressive text about my ignoring him.
Then he started messengering me on Facebook! I blocked him, and on my phone after he texted an angry message.
I feel like my privacy was invaded. Why am I being made to feel badly/awkward/harassed?
Creeped Out
A - It would have been better to simply say, politely, that you’re not interested in meeting, other than bumping into him at the coffee shop.
Now, his persistence and anger are worrisome.
Inform the mom who gave your number about his harassment. Don’t blame her, just warn her, and mention that phone numbers shouldn’t be given out without permission.
If he continues contacting you, say that you’ll seek a restraining order from police.
With a child to protect, plus yourself, his badgering must be stopped.
Q- My husband and I initially had a year’s long-distance relationship. He told me he was separated from his wife.
I only learned that wasn’t true months after I’d sold my house and moved to be with him.
I chose to stay but said that if he lied again, I’d be gone.
Over several years, I’ve handled most of the financial responsibility.
He had significant financial issues, some of which he flat-out lied to me about: Multiple bankruptcies (still paying), tax debt, failed business attempts.
Also, he’d repeatedly quit his job and was unemployed for periods (sometimes almost a year) leaving me holding all financial responsibility.
Vacations and home renovations have always been paid from my savings.
Recently, he bought a new vehicle and I had to help with the payment because he was short.
His lack of financial accountability greatly stresses me. Despite numerous conversations about it, and him occasionally chipping in, I don’t see real change. He’s even said that he won’t change.
We’re mid 50s. I have some savings for retirement and pension, not enough. He has no financial plan.
Friends say that he’s had a long, free ride and I must start thinking about myself.
It’s scary to consider making big changes at this life stage, but though I love him, I don’t think I can keep doing this.
Tired and Frustrated
A- Feeling love at mid-50s is a good thing. Accepting major stress from it, is not.
Your husband needs a reality check. Your conversations aren’t working, because he believes that he doesn’t have to change.
Tell him otherwise: Either he goes with you to a professional accountant (of your choice), follows a plan to become financially responsible, or you’re through.
His behaviour shows carelessness, lack of planning, poor business decisions, and the expectation that you’ll always rescue him. That’s not love on his part, it’s using you.
You both need the accountant’s advice, which I’m sure will include what you must do to protect yourself.
Your husband must recognize that unless he eases some of his debts (e.g. buys a car that he can afford himself) your stress may soon override your love for him.
He’s lied to you whenever he chooses. It’s time for him to believe you’re at a crossroads.
Ellie’s tip of the day: Be discreet when meeting people casually. Take time to assess whether closer friendship is likely, or not.
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