Put college classes on hold
Q - I’ve been undergoing hormone replacement therapy (HRT) for male to female transition for almost three years. My circle of close friends and allies have become my “family”.
My fiancè of seven years has been with me through it all. He initially accepted me as his boyfriend and now, his girlfriend.
My problem is his mother. Their family is upper-middleclass and have done well. I’ve come from near-trailer trash to low middle-class.
My finance has attended many doctors appointments and therapy sessions with me at my request. He’s aware of the issues and struggles I face daily with my transition and my past traumas from family and life.
His mother focuses on whether I have a job or not. It seems like she's looked down at me ever since I met her, and she's gotten worse.
I've been heavily considering returning to school for higher education past high school, but attending school isn’t cheap or easy.
Currently, my care team (therapists, doctors, friends, etc.) do not think I can handle the stress of college along with my transition.
Meanwhile, it seems that no matter what I do for my fiancè, his mother won’t like or accept me till I've got some kind of job.
(I do have income and have been looking for work, it's just difficult for me as I only have a high school background).
Is there anything I can do to get this woman, who’s my future mother-in-law, to accept me as not being a total loser? I love my fiancè and he loves me.
Tough Transition
A - Your support team – and especially your therapist and doctors – have made it clear that this is not the time to add new stressors into your life.
That includes not trying to win over your fiancè’s mother during this transition and hormone replacement therapy.
Her son should simply tell her that he loves you, and that seeking work is a definite goal of yours after the process.
(She’s probably worried that her son will end up supporting you financially, indefinitely. He can try to allay her fears).
You’re a very strongminded person to choose to undergo all that’s involved in transitioning from a man to a woman.
It’s the personal challenge of re-defining yourself. Now, also shed the near-trailer trash image of your background. You’re way past that, in determination and courage.
Have the confidence to understand that his mother is entitled to have some concerns about your place in her son’s life. Go through your change, and hopefully she’ll see who you really are.
If not, you and your fiancè will manage on your own, and you going back to school and/ or finding a decent job will be the next big goals, without her pressure.
Q - My girlfriend and I are both 19, in first-year university. We each live at home.
I always bring enough lunch-to-go so there’s extra for my girlfriend. She never brings food and is hungry all day.
I’ve told her that by not eating, she’s doing the opposite of what our program head advised - to set yourselves up for success.
She’s a dancer, still taking classes and has a great figure so it’s not a weight issue. I think she’s just lazy. Worried Friend
A - She has a serious foodrelated fixation which could be related to body-image, foodorigin concerns, taste, weight, physical or mental health issues. She likely appears lazy due to fatigue from living on too-little fuel, with dancing using up even more.
If there’s student services at your university, encourage her that you’ll accompany her there because you’re worried about her. If she won’t go, ask your mother to call hers. She needs help.
Ellie’s tip of the day: If you’ve taken on a major life challenge, ease up on side issues for a while.