How do you stop abusers from hurting others?

I have been working in violence prevention for over 13 years. One of the most common questions I’ve heard is why someone would remain in an abusive relationship.

I find it interesting that I can count on my fingers how many times someone has asked what makes someone abuse others.

Even fewer is the number of times I have been asked what would make someone stop abusing others. Is that not the most important question of all?

Violence is a learned behaviour. I feel that, on some level, people do understand this. I can remember as a child, when someone at school would bully others, the adults would knowingly say that their life at home probably wasn’t so great. Those kids eventually grow up and that behaviour can come with them.

So much is done to address bullying in the schools, but what about adults? Why doesn’t the general public ask what it would take to make them change? In the course of my work, I have come to the conclusion that people don’t ask this because they assume, wrongly, that people can’t change. Bad people do bad things; avoid the bad people.

People can change. It’s not just my opinion that people can and do change. There are programs for changing abusive behaviour and it’s been found that while some individuals are highly violent, and may never change, nearly everyone else benefits from this type of programming. This is a fact, and it’s backed up by a lot of research on both the numbers (how many reoffend) and the personal stories of those who attend programs such as these. Some participants talk very sincerely about the skills they’ve gained and the insights they now have into their own behaviour. Some are relieved to find they are not beyond help.

Over the years, I’ve had many of our clients tell me the horrendous childhoods their abusive partners have suffered. My heart breaks for those children. When working with those who harm, it is a balance between acknowledging what has been done to them, as well as holding them accountable to their actions now that they are adults. This takes very skilled staff, because holding someone accountable while still fostering a positive therapeutic relationship is not easy.

We can’t change another person. They have to want to change. What people do not realize is that many people who hurt their family members do want to change. If they were brought up with abuse and violence in their household, they may not have a blueprint to live any other way. I think we do people a disservice when we don’t invest in them.

Can we really be surprised that someone doesn’t change if we don’t invest in helping them?

I believe working with people who harm others is true prevention. You are preventing further abuse to their current partner, or perhaps the next and the next. If we work to change someone’s abusive behaviour, we may also be changing the lives of their children. They will grow up having a blueprint for how to live differently, which can have positive impacts for generations.

Sometimes it’s hard to motivate people to invest in prevention. While everyone would agree prevention is best in the long run, it can take many years to get a return on that investment. I believe that not investing in those who harm is also based on the belief that it’s pointless; believing instead that bad people do bad things. I hope this mindset shifts and we start seeing everyone as deserving of quality services that create safer, more peaceful societies.