Be there to offer support

Q– I’m a male, 48, and my life is changing in ways that are emotionally painful. It’s not a mid-life crisis for me, it’s more about seeing some friends reaching that point.

A few once-close guys have felt that there’s no excitement left in their lives, so they simply walked away from what looked like OK marriages, each leaving their partner to pick up the pieces and raise the kids alone. I understand divorce but not the rejection of their own kids.

A couple of other guys I once knew well have just given up on whatever was tearing them apart internally and either purposefully or accidentally overdosed. It’s left their parents, siblings and friends devastated, wondering if they could’ve done anything to prevent the loss.

Is this pain I now feel about me being afraid of aging, with my personal life and work staying on a level of samesame every day?

Or is it my sorrowful reaction to those few friends who couldn’t take it any more and me wanting some advice to strengthen my own resolve to do my best for myself and the people I love?

Sad Losses, New Fears

A– You raise the existential debate that thoughtful people have within themselves regarding their own purpose as mortals: Are we our dear ones’ keepers?

Is there something we can and must do when we know where another’s state of mind is dangerously leading them?

Eventually, as these more recent losses get absorbed into your daily mindset, you’ll have some personal answers.

If you ever again suspect that a friend is shutting down purposefully and that there are no accidents when people drop out, you’ll offer help.

Instead of just advising counselling or alcohol or drug rehab, you’ll accompany your friend to start the process of getting help.

Instead of getting frustrated or angry, you’ll hear his/her pain, scan some of the more successful motivational books to end addictions, read them and talk about them openly.

You have little reason to fear growing older because maturity and caring are also growing strongly within you.

It may even move you to get involved more widely – for example, you talking to your own kids about being our brothers’ and sisters’ keepers by watching out for them.

And/or you gathering the knowledge to talk openly with people hurting in their marriages or in their souls, about how they can reach within themselves for a better, more satisfying life, instead of checking out and hurting so many others by doing so.

Your friends are lucky to have you considering ahead how you can be alert to the signs and intervene in a positive, encouraging way.