Try conversation instead of criticism
Q - Sometimes I feel like I’m walking through life on the outside looking in. Everywhere I go, I notice things that can change, for the better.
For example, at a restaurant I’ll notice that instead of just bringing sugar and sweetener with the hot coffee and tea, the server waits until the patrons request it. I wonder why the server doesn’t just bring it?
Or a situation will arise at work, and I’ll think, why don’t you just do it this way?” I want to say something, but then I think people will think I’m annoying.
How do I know when to speak up and when to keep my thoughts to myself? Life Consultant
A - It sounds like you have a lot of constructive criticism. Constructive is positive, but criticism, not so much. People don’t take well to being criticized.
I suggest you start off your conversation with something positive and try to read the person with whom you’re speaking. Try to get a feel for them and how they’ll react.
For example, if you ask to speak to the manager of the restaurant, and s/he comes at you defensive, probably just keep your thoughts to yourself. But if s/he seems friendly, tell him how fabulous your meal was, including the hot drink at the end, and then suggest that perhaps it would make sense for the server to bring sugar to the table with the drinks.
Some people will appreciate your thoughtfulness; others won’t. Think it through before you speak up.
Q - Our family recently learned of my daughter’s exboyfriend’s death. This young man abused my daughter and was convicted for this crime. He grew up under terrible circumstances, unforgivable to his family and foster family for various harms.
My brave daughter ended the relationship once the physical abuse started. We’re very proud of her for having the strength to say no. This was four years ago; the last time we saw him.
There is no joy in this, just a feeling of sadness, anger and disappointment.
Is it reasonable to now exhale and be happy that it is over?
Lost in transition
A - Yes, it is normal for you to breathe more peacefully under these sad circumstances. That doesn’t make you a bad person, just human.
Your description is of a young man caught in a vicious cycle of learned abuse. Sadly, he couldn’t break that cycle. There’s no winner here.
Feedback regarding the mom afraid of the new household puppy (Oct. 17):
This person may have a dog phobia, which often starts in childhood, can have a genetic component and feels terrifying even when faced with the most friendly or small dog. The good news is that this phobia, like most, is highly treatable. She may benefit from a few sessions with a psychologist trained in treating phobias. She could be cuddling her pup in no time!
Lisi - This from a clinical and health psychologist. Great news.