Daughter drama turns difficult

QI have one daughter, late-30s, from my previous emotionally-abusive marriage. I married very young, did my best and for “the right reasons.”

I now understand that my ex had antisocial and narcissistic personality disorders. I left with my daughter when she was 10.

I went back to school, changed careers and remarried to my life partner. He accepted my daughter as his own and has been more of a father than her biological father. She has had no contact with him since her early-20s.

She has never been easy to get along with. She may look like me but behaves just like her father in many ways.

Three years ago, she started dating a man three years older. Their relationship was stormy from the start. They’re both emotional, highly reactive, easily overwhelmed and melodramatic. They feed off of each other.

His father is an abusive alcoholic.

My husband and I have recently returned from their destination wedding and are reeling from their behaviour towards us.

There was unnecessary stress and drama in the few days leading up to the wedding. She blew up at me, my husband told her to calm down and then her new husband started yelling and swearing at my husband.

Throughout dinner, we were extremely uncomfortable. Later, I found she’d texted me with unbelievable language and rage.

I can’t believe the amount of time, effort and money spent only to come home feeling betrayed, hurt and numb.

I sought counselling. My husband and I now realize that our daughter and her husband have multiple personality disorders, inherited from their fathers – antisocial, histrionic, narcissistic.

My counsellor recommended that we remove ourselves from any uncomfortable situations and advised that they reach out to us when they’re ready to treat us with respect and in a mature manner.

There’s no point in trying to clear the air with them as they will never apologize and admit any wrongdoing.

It’s now four months later, our relationship has cooled, we contact mostly through text and occasional brief visits from our daughter. They behave like nothing has happened.

I’m struggling with hosting the entire family this year for (American Thanksgiving, Nov. 24), and all other holidays moving forward, as we usually do.

We’re also concerned for our daughter’s well-being.

How do we get through this?

Still Feeling Numb

A- As your counsellor informed you so well, there are no easy answers within the mental-health field of coping personally or with family members who have multiple personality disorders which were inherited at birth.

Your daughter’s instantly-aroused anger, coupled with a husband equally reactive, makes communication and understanding between you extremely difficult.

Personally, I think large family gatherings would be a mistake. You and your husband should consult further with your very capable counsellor. It’s just as likely that these two reactive personalities will use the family audience for attention and outbursts that will cause more damage.

Instead, consider small and limited get-togethers with the couple and a few others, if possible.