Grandma seems to have a favourite

Adult son worries about the effect this will have as his kids get older

Q - My mother very clearly prefers one of my sons over the other. I don’t understand it, other than to say, it was obvious growing up that she preferred my brother over me. He was her first-born and I think I was an accident. It didn’t bother me growing up because I just slipped under her radar and lived my life.

But with my children, it breaks my heart. They’re just babies, so they don’t realize or care, but I do not want this to continue until they’re old enough to recognize the discrepancy. She oohs and ahhs over the older one and never arrives empty-handed for him.

How hard is it though for her to buy two stuffed toys or two sweaters?

My wife is so hurt by my mother’s actions that she has stopped speaking to her. She won’t invite her over and, if I do, she leaves with both children.

At first my mother didn't clue in, but now she’s starting to, and I feel a massive war is brewing which won’t be good for anyone.

How do I negotiate this? Unfavourable grandparenting

A- You, your mom and your wife are three mature adults who need to sit down and have a conversation. Naming the elephant in the room, in this case having a favourite, brings the issue right out into the open. There’s no point wasting time pretending it isn’t happening.

Call your mom out nicely; she obviously still loved you as a child and still does. For whatever reason, her natural way is to prefer one child/ grandchild. Explain to her how it made you feel as a child, without hurting her, and how you don’t want those same feelings for your child. Show her how easy it is to love them both, especially when they’re babies.

And calmly point out why your wife behaves the way she does – she’s a normal protective mother who only wants what’s best for both her children.

I am not a grandparent, but my understanding is that the only thing better than a grandchild is two grandchildren. It may take your mom awhile to get her head around it but work with her.

It’ll be beneficial for everyone.

Feedback regarding the fed-up groom (Jan. 6):

Reader: As a woman and wife who has two sisters who are selfish, I have some points to share:

1) the bridesmaids always walk down the aisle before the bride, so just get over that. If she’s in the wedding party, you will see her face first!

2) the bridesmaid does not have to walk with someone (that is decided by you and your fiancè), but personally I feel this option says, “hey look at me.”

3) yes, this greedy sisterin-law can upset you, but you can’t let it ruin your day. Your wife should establish ground rules only if she feels the need to do so. Bring it up gently, so you don’t insult/hurt anyone’s feelings.

4) This sister is not your problem to fix; she’s used to the attention. If she wants to walk alone, let her. Let her have a different colour of dress (if she wants) if there are other bridesmaids. Be accommodating until the wedding is over. Then new rules apply because now you’re defending your wife and home and potential mother of your children. But these rules need to be laid out before the marriage takes place.

Remember, you’re not just marrying your selfless partner; you’re marrying her whole family and that includes the selfish sister.

But, if it isn’t bothering the bride, why does it bother you?