The challenges of living together

Boyfriend doesn’t seem willing to keep track of long-term plans

Q - I don’t understand my boyfriend. We recently moved in together, and it’s mostly great. We both work out of the house, and we often leave together.

On our walk, we talk about our day, any plans we may have for later that day and anything else on our minds. If we have a plan for that night, like dinner with friends or a show, I usually call him later in the afternoon to discuss logistics.

But any other plans that we discuss, such as a vacation or a wedding we’ve been invited to attend or summer plans, all seem to go in one ear and out the other. I am a very organized person: I use the calendar on my phone and plug in reminders, and I have a paper calendar on the pinboard in our kitchen. It’s nearly impossible to not know when something is happening if I’ve marked it down, which I do religiously.

I’ve asked him if he has other ways of keeping track of his appointments. No. I asked him how he managed when we lived apart. Silence. That’s when I told him I wasn’t his mother and wouldn’t be making his appointments for him.

Now he’s mad at me for apparently making a big stink over nothing. But I’m mad at him for being unaccountable.

Organized chaos

A- I feel your pain. I have similar issues with different people in my family. Text your boyfriend to meet you after work for a drink. Text him the time and place. I’m certain he’ll show up. Once there, tell him how much you’re enjoying living together, but you see some areas that need work for continued partnership. Then explain what you would like: accountability and responsibility and discuss how together you can achieve that.

Then give him the chance to make a request from you if he has a legitimate grievance – not just tit-for-tat.

Backing up, if he doesn’t show up, you have a bigger problem.

Q- My daughter has a condition that flares up out of nowhere. When it does, she can’t go to school and doesn’t want to see anyone or even speak to her friends. My husband and I both work out of the house but, of course, share in the care of our daughter when she’s ill. It can happen once a month, twice a month or not at all for several months. It’s basically impossible to plan for.

My boss just told me that it’s disruptive to the office when I don’t show up without at least a few days’ notice. I agreed and explained how disruptive it is to our family and especially our daughter when her condition rears its ugly head rendering her in pain, discomfort and tears without notice.

He told me that if it happens again, he’s going to have to talk to our head office.

Is this guy for real? Did he skip the COVID-ERA when people had to stay home for weeks on end when the virus went from child to child to spouse and then finally you got it? What happened to sick days?

Surprise Symptoms

A- I strongly suggest you speak to your HR department right away. Every company has its own specific guidelines to follow, but I’m pretty sure that with the ability for so many professions to work from home, having a sudden sick child to care for is no longer overly problematic. Sure, it can cause a hiccup, but nothing that can’t be worked around.

Find out what is and isn’t allowed so that if your direct boss gets huffy the next time you need to stay home, you are armed with the correct information.

Feedback regarding the family who moved out to the country (Feb. 20):

Reader: Sounds odd. Why would a mother, nervous about driving at night and uneasy when she’s alone, move to a remote house, far from all family? Especially when she has three children, including one with special needs, and a husband who is away every fourth week?

It seems unlikely that there are more specialized programs for that child out there than in an urban area. And will a G.P., never mind specialists, be available? Most people I know who have moved to less urban areas have spent up to a year looking for a family doctor.

It sounds as if she – and her husband – are trying to escape something. Maybe financial or marital problems, maybe stress and anxiety because of the child with challenges, that they imagine will disappear in a pastoral setting. This situation should definitely be watched by close family and friends.