Columnist inadvertently sends the wrong message
Dear readers - It has come to my attention that a response I gave came across in a manner unintended, and I’d like to express my apologies for inadvertently sending the wrong message.
On Nov. 15, a woman wrote in concerned about her strong “need” for sex. So strong was her sexual appetite that even though she had a healthy sex life with her husband, she would also have sex with complete strangers. She worried that something was “wrong” with her. She also worried about bringing home a disease and/or her children ever finding out.
My response to her was that there was nothing wrong with her, but she might just want to get a health checkup. To eliminate her worries, I suggested ways in which she could enhance her own marital sex life, so she didn’t have to look elsewhere for sexual satisfaction.
Several weeks later (Jan. 3), a woman who had once been cheated on wrote in with a different, harsher view. Clearly her view was tainted by her traumatic experience. She expressed the view that there was indeed something wrong with the original letter writer. I didn’t agree with her, but I tried to understand why this woman felt the way she did.
On Feb. 27, I included another reader’s take on the situation. This man focused on the fact that the original letter-writer had said that her husband didn’t care that she had sex with others. (Note: the Jan. 3 commenter said she didn’t believe the husband didn’t care.) And that if he didn’t care, then it wasn’t cheating.
He then continues with his own personal story of his sexually open marriage (I don’t want to mislabel), which I found interesting. That’s why I shared it with my readers.
I responded with “What you do is your business, but if you’re married and having sex with someone else, you are cheating – whether your spouse knows and/or cares. And it came across inaccurately. What I should have said directly to that man was: “What you do is your business as long as you, or anybody else, aren’t getting hurt.” And then I should have clarified that, with regards to the original letter, in a monogamous relationship, cheating is defined by “when a person has an emotional or sexual relationship with someone else.” Without any comment otherwise, yes, I assumed that the original letter writer was in a traditional monogamous relationship with her husband.
But in no way do I judge what other people do to make themselves and/or their partners happy, with the clarification that it is legal, above board and no one is getting hurt. So again, to those who felt that I had wrongly judged any of my letter writers – and to the letter writers themselves – I apologize. I do not judge. I only try to help people who ask me for advice.
Live and let live.