Be kind, not a pushover

My mother taught me to stand up for myself because I have value

Last year around Mother’s Day, a radio program asked people what is one thing they learned from their mom. As the replies were aired, it became apparent that there was a theme to the answers. Almost everyone claimed the one thing their mother taught them was to be kind to others.

I have to say, as a mother myself and the daughter of a strong, intelligent woman, I was kind of insulted on behalf of all these people’s maternal figures. I imagined if the same people were asked what their father taught them, they would say something like riding a bike, changing a tire or hammering a nail (all things my dad taught me.)

However, I would say the lesson above all else that my mother taught me was to stand up for myself because I have value.

KINDNESS A VIRTUE

To be sure, being kind is an important value — one that there is little enough evidence of these days. Compassion for others is critical right now, when there is so much division, vitriol and anger present in our daily lives.

I’m sure my mother did repeat the lesson to be kind, as did my father along with my teachers, youth group leaders and other mentors in my life, not to mention Mr. Dressup and the Care Bears.

My mother took me with her when she canvassed for charities, when she filled food bank hampers and when she stood in the kitchen trimming crusts off funeral sandwiches. If I didn’t learn kindness, exactly, I did develop a sense of duty to my community.

She also took me with her when she led a local Beaver troop of boys my age, when she skied and snowshoed and visited nature; and when she sat at the kitchen table doing up finances.

My mother taught me how to throw a pitch, shuffle cards and work a typewriter (yes, I am that old).

These activities demonstrated that skills and interests don’t have to follow gender lines.

CONFIDENCE BOOST

In fact, both my parents encouraged me to take up any activity my heart desired. They never once told me that girls don’t do this or only boys can do that. That upbringing definitely gave me confidence that has served me in my personal life and my profession.

I chose a partner who values me, my time and my ideas. We split chores according to who has the time and the energy to do them. Sometimes I take on more, sometimes he does.

When our children were an infant and a preschooler, my daily commute had me leaving the house by 7 a.m. and getting back in the door at 6 p.m. My husband was on deck for breakfasts, daycare drop-offs and pickups and getting supper started, despite his own busy, full-time career. I joked he was my June Cleaver.

As a journalist, I have never felt less than anyone I was interviewing. I have no qualms asking hard questions — as long as they’re fair — and pushing for an honest response.

I worry too many young women have internalized a message that they need to be maternal and kind, leaving them vulnerable to those who would exploit that kindness.

KNOW YOUR SELF-WORTH

Of course, my marriage and my profession have required kindness, but I also expect kindness in return. I worry too many young women have internalized a message that they need to be maternal and kind, leaving them vulnerable to those who would exploit that kindness.

To be fair, the people responding to the radio show were asked to give one example of what their mother taught them, and I have taken a whole column space to expound upon what I’ve learned. I also know that once one person gives an answer, there can be a mimicking effect. “Oh yes,” we think, “I learned that, too.”

Do me and your mother a favour, though. Think about some lessons you’ve learned from the women in your life that have shaped who you are. Then tell them about it.

Happy Mother’s Day.