WEEKENDFILE LATE-NIGHT LAUGHS
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
“Yesterday, President Obama met with Treasury Secretary Jack Lew in the White House. The treasury secretary meets once a month with the president — and he meets twice a month with the Chinese president.” “A New York City real estate company will give a 15 per cent raise to any employee who gets the company logo tattooed on his body. Actually, I got the NBC logo tattooed on my body, but it’s just a temporary tattoo. It will be gone next spring.”
Conan
“Today former Pope Benedict is moving back into the Vatican. He is going to be mad when he sees that Pope Francis took down his Metallica posters.” “That’s right. Two popes now under one roof. Can you believe that? Yeah, they’re just one-half pope away from being a sitcom on CBS.”
Late Show with David Letterman
“Here’s how beautiful it is in New York City today. Earlier, Martha Stewart was down at the docks looking for sailors.” “On Monday, Martha Stewart announced that she is dating and desperately looking for a man. So she signed up on Match.com. In her biography, Martha says she likes surprises, but not from the Securities and Exchange Commission.”
Late Show Top 10
Top 10 things you don’t want to hear in a movie preview:
10. “In a world where waffles do not exist ...”
9. “From the director who once met the nephew of the director who brought you The Godfather.”
8. “Meryl Streep is New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.”
7. “Come see the film Entertainment Weekly calls ’97 minutes in length.’”
6. “Starring Tom Hanks, but not that Tom Hanks.”
5. “The incredible, true story of a teenager’s monkey, seized by German authorities.”
4. “Strap yourself in for two hours you’ll never get back.”
3. “Coming soon, another asinine movie about vampires.”
2. “Special Sneak Preview at midnight in my van.”
1. “Anthony Weiner in 3-D.” Late Night with Jimmy Fallon “Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in trouble. He was arrested this week for threatening to expose some sensitive government secrets. And you can tell it’s serious. His bail was set at 200 goats.” “That’s right. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was arrested. He claimed that he had evidence that their elections were rigged. When authorities asked him to prove it, he was like, ‘Uh, I’m president, aren’t I?’” “Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable Guy are teaming up to build a new theme park in Alabama. You can tell because the sign on the roller-coaster says, ‘You must be this shirtless to go on this ride.’” A new survey found that 49 per cent of Americans think movie trailers give too much away about the plot. Especially that one trailer that starts with, ‘In a world where Bruce Willis is dead the whole time ...’” Hamilton Spectator wire services