Too few mentors, so many creeps
Dear Prudence:
I am a young female just starting out in the workplace. There is an older, married man who works in the office next to me, but for a different company. I see him most work days, and we usually exchange pleasantries. We chat everyday or so, but always about professional topics. Since he is experienced in this industry, I have felt comfortable asking for his advice. He also has a great deal of sway in local business.
Anyway, this past weekend I ran into him at a networking happy hour. He obviously had a couple of drinks, though I was f airly sober. He proceeded to say a couple of inappropriate things to me, and in shock, I ignored these comments (though I am now angry that I did not stand up for myself ). To give you an idea, he mentioned how much he specifically likes a body part of mine, and that if he were not married, he would definitely be interested in me. Apparently he also found out my actual age from a mutual acquaintance (which is not a huge deal, but I try not to bring it up since I am f airly young for this industry), which had him practically drooling! Do I confront him about this incident? Or do I ignore it? It would be one thing if we were within the same company, but since we are not, there is no official channel, nor do I see this affecting my actual work. However, I do see him everyday, and he is always interacting with my coworkers as well.
A: It could be he was so drunk he only has a sketchy memory of what he said. But he needs to know that he behaved inappropriately. Next time you see him, tell him you need to have a conversation, then tell him that his remarks at the networking event were way out of line. Let’s hope he turns red, apologizes, says he had so much to drink he doesn’t even remember, but it will never happen again. Whatever he does, start a time-stamped file and record what happened at the event, what you said to him later, and what the response was. This is just insurance i n case he decides to badmouth you. I’m hoping that he realizes he just stepped in it, appreciates your handling this privately (for now), and steps way back. Dear Prudence: I divorced my husband as he had been cheating on me for months with a coworker. I have not dated since the divorce almost six years ago. A few years ago I met a man at work who is now my best friend. We are kindred spirits, can talk for hours, and have a great time. He is married and I know that I am in love with him. It is not my interest or intention to take him away from his wife and children, yet I feel as if I am harming myself because he is the centre of my world, and I am not looking anywhere else because he meets my emotional needs. I am often angry with him because he cannot meet all of my needs. I cannot imagine a life without him and part of me feels that I need to let him go. The thought of that is overwhelming and upsetting.
A: Listen to yourself: You would never forgive yourself if you two ended up in bed; but if you don’t get there soon, you’re going to be really mad that he’s refusing to meet all of your needs. Please untangle this with a therapist. Then sign up for some online dating. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com