LATE-NIGHT LAUGHS
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon “A new survey found that 81 per cent of parents admit to stealing Easter candy from their children. While the other 19 per cent of parents don’t think it counts as stealing if you bought the candy in the first place.” “Vladimir Putin said he thinks that President Obama would save him if he were drowning. Then President Obama said, ‘There’s only one way to find out.’” Late Show with David Letterman “Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is running for re-election, and he’s got a catchy campaign slogan: ‘Forget my first term. I was on crack.’” “Hillary Clinton is going to be a grandmother. She’s very excited about it. She’s home right now knitting a tiny pantsuit.” Late Show Top Ten Top Ten similarities between Queen Elizabeth and Tony Danza 10. Both speak fluent English. 9. They visit the same doctor for old boxing injuries. 8. Neither knows what the Queen of England does. 7. Same college nickname: The Burrito Pit. 6. Both played for the Columbus Blue Jackets. 5. Occasionally mistaken for Scott Baio. 4. Married their second cousins. 3. Their public appearances are routinely protested. 2. Lucrative endorsement deals. 1. Both have seen Danny DeVito naked. The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson “Today is John Muir Day. He is the father of our national parks, the most famous naturalist of all time. Do not confuse a naturalist with a naturist. A naturalist is an expert on nature. A naturist is an expert on walking around outside naked.” “John Muir devoted his life to preserving nature. Without his tireless effort, America would be a dirty, overdeveloped commercial wasteland. Or as we call that here, Los Angeles.” Late Night With Seth Meyers “Chelsea Clinton has announced that she is pregnant with her first child. The baby is expected to crawl after nine months and run in 2055.” “Last week, NBA commissioner Adam Silver announced that he wants to raise the league’s age minimum from 19 to 20. The league’s age maximum will continue to be Kevin Garnett.”