Parents must work together
FAMILY LIFE
Q: If we feel the kids are unsafe going to the other parent’s house can we keep them home? We have primary custody of them.
A: It is a common misconception that having primary or sole custody of one’s children means that parent can withhold the children from the other parent.
Primary or sole custody is separate from the residential plan. Sole or primary custody means that that parent has final decisionmaking authority on matters affecting the children in areas like faith, education, health and extracurricular activities. Sole or primary custody doesn’t give a parent the power to unilaterally alter the residential schedule unless that is specifically stipulated in a court order or other agreement.
Further, a feeling that the child is unsafe going to the other parent’s home, doesn’t necessarily mean it is unsafe.
Children caught between warring parents are well known to tell each parent what they believe the parent wants to hear. This is not quite lying and more about the child not wanting to upset the parent they are with. Children worry that the animosity shown to the other parent can be directed to them, so they may make up stories to align with you and avoid your wrath. Unfortunately this can escalate concerns and bad feelings between the parents.
If however you firmly believe and have something tangible on which to base your beliefs that your child is subject to harm or neglect by the other parent, then do call the Children’s Aid Society to investigate. I must warn you though about making false claims. This can backfire and undermine your credibility with the agency and with the courts.
Better than parents accusing, blaming or shaming each other is finding ways to peacefully address matters and resolve conflict. You can work though a counsellor or mediator who could be open to not only chatting with both parents but including the child in the process. The purpose of going this route is to figure out how as separated parents you can both meet your children’s need as best as possible.
It is every parent’s responsibility to facilitate the child’s relationship with both parents regardless of decision-making authority.
If one has a particular problem that might interfere with their care of the child then we encourage that parent to seek help to address the problem.
Supportive interventions are more likely to improve the likelihood of a parent seeking help. A parent who is only put on the defensive would be reluctant to admit issues.
Have a question about family life? Send it in a brief email to question@yoursocialworker.com. Due to the volume of mail, not all questions will receive a reply.