Can you bond again after affair?

Q. My husband cheated. I’m trying to reconcile the marriage. However, I cannot stop thinking about what it was like when they had sex, how many times he’d seen her, which restaurants they visited together, etc.

When we make love, I picture her in my head.

I know he bought her flowers and also know some of the restaurants they visited together — some are my personal favourites, too.

How do I move on from these painful memories?

Can I ever feel happy again from receiving flowers from my husband?

I avoid her neighbourhood because all I can think about is him going to see her behind my back.

I even refused to cut my hair because she often wore a long wig.

My husband says I look great though I’ve put on weight. But for all the years that I was thinner, he still called me chubby.

Is it because she’s chubbier? How can I get over this?

A. Keep your mind on your goal. For the marriage to recover and last, you both must work at recapturing moments that are just yours, and creating new ones.

You need to be sure he’s as committed as you are, or doubts will keep sparking disturbing thoughts and images.

If you’ve avoided or stopped post-affair counselling, you both need to return to it for awhile.

Meanwhile, visit some new restaurants together, and go for outings and getaways where neither of you have been before.

Your hair and weight aren’t what matter here. Your husband is with you. So turn your mind away from comparisons and self-criticisms.

Think of your sexual/intimate life together as a chance to bond again, with a deeper understanding of what the marriage now means to both of you.

She won’t attend the funeral of her dying grandmother

Q. My grandmother’s dying within months. But I have irrational anger with my mother who’s burning herself out caring for a thankless, cruel woman. My grandmother has long hated me. I’m the most argumentative of all her grandchildren. I’m also the most rebellious (a tattoo, several piercings, moved in with my then-boyfriend at 19).

Since I was age five, my grandmother continually insulted, belittled, emotionally abused me, and hit me. At 15, my aunts, uncles, cousins and father ran interference.

In my early 20s, she told me I was stupid, wasting everyone’s time and money getting a degree that I didn’t need.

I continue therapy to deal with my grandmother issues. My father says I don’t have to see her unless I want to. My mother agrees, but tries to get me to see her.

I’m currently working on my PhD and living in my grandmother’s city.

My mother cares for her mother several days weekly for long, exhausting hours. I’m growing resentful and angry that she never protected me from her. Yet I don’t want to add any guilt.

I’m worried about how badly I’ll hurt her when I say I won’t be attending my grandmother’s funeral.

A. The issue is your relationship with your mother. The one with your grandmother is long over, and not your fault. Your mother may wish you’d attend the funeral, but that has more to do with her than you.

It’s highly likely that your mother also suffered from this woman’s meanness, yet bore it quietly. She didn’t have your young bravado, inner strength, intelligence and independence.

Stay with your therapy. Perhaps you can connect with your mother in a different way once your grandmother isn’t between you.