Wife slipping back into drug use

Q. My wife and I (same-sex) have been married for five years. Two years ago, we both entered new fields.

Problems began because she stopped wanting me to meet her new friends and colleagues who are all very comfortable with hard drugs, which are prevalent in their industry. I’m not comfortable with drug use. When we first dated, I knew she’d been a frequent user but had mostly stopped when we met. Before we committed, I said, “If that’s something you still want to do, let’s not get serious.”

She was clean for a long time. However, surrounded by these people, she’s been tempted. Now, she doesn’t see occasional use as a problem, but I’m afraid it’ll become frequent again.

I can’t ask her to leave her career or avoid her colleagues. I also can’t bring myself to be OK with the drugs.

We fight constantly about going out when she feels like she can’t have fun, and says I act like her mother.

I’ve gone to counselling to try and work through this but she won’t go because anything to do with drugs gets reported.

I love her. The rest of our relationship’s wonderful, supportive, and loving. How do I stand my ground? Is our marriage doomed?

A. Your position’s clear — you won’t accept hard drug use as a factor in your life. You want the relationship, without drugs affecting it.

Her position’s fuzzy — she wants you to accept her socializing in a drug-use environment, which means going out without you. Ultimately, the relationship can’t last under those conflicting stands.

She’s been drawn back to a potential addiction, which is already strong enough to divide you. If this continues, the marriage is doomed. Your best hope would be to go with her to professional drug counselling and join a support group together.

Is gym teacher’s comment about boys wrong?

Q. My high school summer gym class teacher is young, pretty cool, and nice. When she was describing what to bring for the swimming classes, she mentioned that girls sometimes feel self-conscious. But she said it’s actually the boys who should worry because she can see them without their shirts off, see how fit they really are and if they have to work harder.

The comment didn’t bother me but if some kid decides to go cry about it, will she get in trouble?

I talked to a friend of mine about it and he says it’s wrong and she should get in trouble. I talked to another person who also said it was out of line and should be reported.

I’m not going to say anything; I won’t get her in trouble.

Would you feel uncomfortable by this comment? Some people might say it’s an encouraging comment.

A. She raised the sensitive topic of body image, setting up discomfort for some boys and girls alike, about how they look in bathing suits.

Lack of self-confidence, anorexia, and bulimia, are all potential byproducts of a negative body image. She’d have been encouraging if she’d only focused on teaching swimming skills.

If she notices students looking particularly unfit, that’s something to handle through a health/nutrition unit, not directed at individuals.

Your wish to not get her “in trouble” is admirable. However, you can talk to her privately about her comments and how they could make some students uncomfortable.

But if she makes more references that seem inappropriate, the principal should be informed, perhaps by a group of students.