Daughter, 3, picking up on separated parents’ stress
FAMILY LIFE
Q: Our daughter is 3 and I am separated from her father.
Whenever he returns her to me, she has a dirty diaper. I think he is either neglectful and doesn’t check her often enough, or he is spiteful and likes to return her this way so I have to start my time with her by changing her diaper.
I am thinking about going to court to change his visitation so he can’t control me this way anymore. Do you think that will help?
A: Just reading how you describe your daughter’s father, it is clear there is no love lost between you. It is also clear that the exchange of your daughter between you is stressful.
Children pick up on their parents’ stress. As it comes time for her to be exchanged between you, she can pick up on your tenseness and animosity, and this can be distressing to her.
Stress affects us all differently. For some, it can create difficulties with concentration given the distraction of the stressful concern.
Indeed, many an elementary student diagnosed with ADHD is really a child stressed out by parental conflict.
With others, it can keep them up all night worrying. Or get headaches and stomachaches. Some will literally get such an upset tummy that they will have to run to the bathroom.
Rather than your two theories of your daughter’s dirty diaper, let me add a third. It just may be that she is so affected by exposure to the parental tension during the exchange, she is literally dirtying her diaper at that moment.
The solution here isn’t court, nor is it limiting a child’s time with either parent.
The real solution has to do with the parents resolving their disdain for each other. If that is not achievable, however, then the exchange of your daughter should take place between neutral people or under the auspices of a supervised exchange centre.
A situation like yours is not uncommon when it affects children of this age, particularly if the separation is more recent or involves heavy tension between the parents. Some children who had achieved control of their bladder and bowel lose that control during the parental separation, reacting to the stressful dynamic between their parents. The real challenge is for you to each manage your own feelings and worry less about the other parent’s reactions.
Bring your calm and relaxed self to several of the exchanges, and the issue of the dirty diaper may go away.