Keeping score over family visits
Q. I’m a stay-at-home mom with young children, and visit my mother once a week during the day, while half of my kids are in school.
My husband of 12 years says this visit equals the monthly four-and-a-half-hour treks we make to spend the weekend with his mom every month.
We only see my dad, my siblings and their families, a few times a year, though they live 40 minutes away.
We do take one weeklong seaside vacation with my family.
Although my parents pay for it, my husband makes us leave them almost every day.
He mentions this one week during every fight that’s raised, when I complain about not seeing my family much.
Yet he admits that he always has fun with them.
He feels that birthdays should be celebrated by “just us” without any extended family.
He also has unfounded issues with my siblings and can hardly stand my brotherin-law and sister.
He thinks that since I talk to my mom while he’s at work, I should never talk to any family members on evenings or weekends, which is “our time.”
Visiting my family alone with the kids isn’t an option.
If I insist we attend a family function that isn’t formerly agreed on, he forces me to visit his mom even more.
Her house is filthy and triggers all my allergies. I sleep on her floor because all of the beds exacerbate my back issues.
If I refuse to go to his parent’s house even once, he says he won’t go to holiday functions (Thanksgiving, Christmas) with my family and will take all the kids to his mother’s house instead.
He has no friends, so every time I want to see one of my friends on an evening or weekend, he “lets” me, but makes me feel guilty.
His mother is also a scorekeeper on how often we see my family versus her.
In other aspects of our marriage — finances, intimacy, etc., he’s not controlling.
Our kids are very young and staying home with them is a high priority for me. Otherwise, I would’ve left him long ago. He refuses counselling because he “has no problems.” What should I do? Get counselling yourself to try to understand why he’s a controller in this frequent and significant area and consider what your options are.
You don’t mention love, but do mention noncontrolling intimacy with him. You’re also clearly bound together by your youngsters. Yet he’s a social loner who wants all your time and dedication when he’s home.
Eventually, you’ll face a desire for more independent time, whether with your own family, friend, or work outside the home.
Professional guidance can help you learn how to introduce gentle, but steady changes in this dynamic over time.
But a few things must change now, through you insisting on them, for your own self-respect.
Bring an air mattress and pump or other decent sleep aid to his mother’s house.
Do not repeatedly leave your parents when they’ve treated you to a vacation. Bring them along on some outings.
There’s no “guilt” to your seeing friends. Have some over occasionally and go out with them at other times.
Do not let your husband isolate you. That will ultimately cause you to just flee, which is chaotic. Instead, with professional guidance, try to find some reasonable compromises. They may work, or they may buy time until you’re more certain of what you want to do.