Getting past his secret financial life
Q. I’m middle-aged, with a much older husband and teenage child. My husband and I lived and worked on opposite sides of the globe when we met. We split our time in each other’s country after we married.
Once schooling began, our child and I stopped commuting overseas. My husband soon chose to live with us full-time.
He did this without discussing it with me beforehand. He said he took a leave of absence from his job, which deferred his pension until his retirement age.
He spent the next 10 years surfing the Internet and playing at being Mr. Mom, despite my clear requests that he get a job.
He gave me no clear answer as to what’s considered retirement age by his country/employer.
I waited; and took temporary postings overseas, working 12 hours, seven days a week for months.
Then I got cancer and had to take medical leave for years during chemo and radiation. The result was a huge income loss.
Still, no answer on his retirement and pension.
Last year, I accidentally discovered “hidden” income statements and discovered that he had taken early retirement.
This had concealed from me a very good retirement pension which all went to his middle-aged children from a previous marriage, back in his birth country.
I was too devastated to talk to him. I felt our marriage was simply for the purpose of him living on my income. He’d also concealed many years of rental income back “home.”
However, just before these facts emerged, he’d inherited some money and transferred half of it to me.
With a therapist’s help, I revealed to him what I’d learned about his finances, and he decided to move back overseas.
He’s now emailing that I’m the only one he’s ever loved, that he’ll stop supporting his adult children.
Should I believe him? Should I let this supposedly loving man (who’s never looked at another woman since he met me 25 years ago) back into my life?
It’s hard to trust someone who’s had a secret financial life for years, despite your child together, your exhausting work trips to boost the family income, and your very serious illness.
He may be “loving” in some ways, but he’s also proven to be self-interested, selfish, and deceitful.
If you love him and believe the truth, plus separation would be too devastating for your daughter at this time, you could give him a second chance. But you’d need visible guarantees of true financial “partnership,” not just promises.
Deep-rooted concerns
Q. My daughter recently had a baby girl. She doesn’t want my partner around the baby if she’s not present.
She won’t give us a reason only that it applies to any man.
There’s no reason for her to think my partner would harm the baby.
I believe her that “it’s not personal” because she’s always said exactly what she thinks.
This is tearing apart the people I love most.
A. If you have reason to suspect that there was abuse in your daughter’s life by any male, urge her to seek the help of a therapist.
Even without any such specific incident, her decision reflects fears and anxieties that call for professional help for her new-parent role.
Continue to see your granddaughter on your own. Hopefully you’ll learn what caused your daughter’s decision and counselling will help. Her not caring about dividing you from your partner over this, hints at very deep-rooted concerns.