SIDELINE CHATTER:
He celebrated the big win with a swig of prune juice
So, what was your excuse for calling in sick to work again? Orville Rogers nosed out Dixon Hemphill in a duel of Second World War veterans to win the 60-metre dash for their age group in 18 seconds flat at the U.S.A. Track and Field masters indoor championships in Albuquerque, N.M. Oh, did we mention that Rogers is 99? Hemphill is a mere 92 — but he did have a hip replaced nine years ago.
HEADLINES
At TheOnion.com: “Joel Embiid to miss rest of third rookie season with knee injury.”
At TheKicker.com: “Climatologists warn Revis Island will soon be under water.” When King Salman of Saudi Arabia took a recent trip to Indonesia, he brought along 506 tons of baggage. In other words, almost as much as Colin Kaepernick.
BRINGING THE HEAT
Antarctica reached a modern-day record high of 17.5 C in 2015, scientists say. So take that, you haters who proclaimed that hell would freeze over before the Cubs won another the World Series — it was just the opposite, in fact.
SERPENT TEEN
The second coming of Kenny “The Snake” Stabler, perhaps? Pinnacle High School in Phoenix boasts a highly recruited QB named Spencer Rattler.
FILM QUIZ
“La La Land” is a movie about: A) A musician and an aspiring actress who meet and fall in love. B) Twins fans dreaming of winning this year’s World Series. C) Johnny Manziel thinking he has an NFL future.
SAY IT AIN’T SO
The NCAA declared five Richmond baseball players ineligible to start the season because they played fantasy football. On the plus side, they’re up for this year’s Shoeless Joe Jackson Award.
TALKING THE TALK
Lori Walton, to the San Diego UnionTribune, on her basketball-loving husband and their devotion to helping train service dogs for wounded Marines: “Bill doesn’t listen enough. He’d make a bad service dog.”
Cowboys RB Darren McFadden, to the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, not worried about wear and tear after nine NFL seasons: “I’m like a diesel engine. They get over 100,000 miles.”
Brad Rock of Salt Lake City’s Deseret News, on reports that Mitt Romney and his son Tagg are looking to buy a share of the Yankees: “With names like that, how could they not?”
RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, after two Colorado basketball fans were slapped in the face by Washington forward Malik Dime: “That works out to five cents a pop.”
GUTTER BAWL
A 7-year-old in St. John’s, N.L., had his bowling gold medal taken away when, just before the awards ceremony, officials ruled his black faded jeans violated the tournament’s black-pants rule. So who put Roger Goodell in charge of kids’ bowling, too?
LOVE THAT GPS
The NFL says it will start placing microchips in footballs to gather data. Or, in the case of the Ravens, to help the equipment guys locate them after Justin Tucker kicks them.
WHAT, NO JAMBALAYA?
What, you don’t think recruiting in Louisiana has its perks? LSU football coach Ed Orgeron revealed that, in just one week of in-home visits, he ate 19 servings of gumbo.
MORE HEADLINES
At SportsPickle.com: “Breaking: Your friend Tim still going to pick unemployed Adrian Peterson in first round of fantasy draft.”
At TheKicker.com: “OJ: ‘I’ll dedicate my life to finding who really won Best Documentary.’”
TWEET OF THE WEEK
From retired receiver Terrell Owens: “After watching the #Oscars2017 Moonlight snafu, maybe I did make the #HOF2017 class. #moonlightgate.”
QUOTE MARKS
Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, after free-agent QB Colin Kaepernick said he’ll go back to standing for the national anthem next season: “Of course, he may be standing in his living room.”
Brad Dickson of the Omaha (Neb.) WorldHerald, after the Lakers axed Jim Buss and GM Mitch Kupchak: “One more firing and Jack Nicholson is in charge.”
Blogger Chad Picasner, on MLB’s move to shorten games by eliminating the four pitches to constitute an intentional walk: “This is like solving world hunger by giving everyone one oyster cracker.”
Patti Brooks, widow of U.S.A. hockey coach Herb Brooks, to the St. Paul Pioneer Press, on the 37th anniversary of the “Miracle on Ice”: “It seems like yesterday until I look in the mirror.”
NBC/Golf Channel broadcaster David Feherty, after Shawn Stefani stripped to his boxer briefs to play a ball out of the water during the Honda Classic: “That’s what I would do if I had that body.”
TBS’s Conan O’Brien, after a group of U.K. scientists claimed they taught bumblebees to play soccer: “And now they’re trying to get American bumblebees to watch it.”