Daughter-in-law not responding to parenting advice

Q: My daughter-in-law is a sweet person but doesn’t know much about parenting. I keep trying to tell her what she needs to do and she keeps shutting me out. How do I get through to her?

A: As you are discussing your daughter-in-law, I may be receiving another question about a mother-in-law.

Imagine the letter, if she were to write one: My mother-in-law is only critical of my parenting. I complain about it to my husband and he doesn’t know what to do either, so now I am upset with him too.

Although you are filled with good intentions, as you keep telling your daughter-in-law what to do, she likely experiences you as inadvertently judgmental and demeaning. It is important to appreciate that people don’t live with another’s good intentions; they live with the actual experience of that person. So if her experience is that you are critical, she will naturally seek to withdraw from you.

To resolve this issue for both parties, it is important for your daughter-in-law to experience you as positive, supporting and respectful of boundaries.

Ask her how you can be helpful. Listen to those needs, then follow through. Seeing you as a source of support will help to restore your relationship with her and lower the risk of conflict with her husband.

Only through a positive and intact relationship can we hope to have influence. Over time, your daughter-in-law may share some parenting concerns with you.

Before rushing in to give her all of your good advice, consider asking if she would like to join you in visiting an Early Years Centre where there are trained staff to answer all kinds of parenting questions.

By relying on the input of their professional staff, you don’t need to be perceived as judgmental or intrusive. And if your daughterin-law doesn’t like the information provided, you are still in a neutral position with your relationship intact.

To find the nearest Early Years Centre, go to edu.gov.on.ca/childcare/FamilyPrograms.html#list.