No word on if the driver will get his job chopped
News you need to get through the day …
Talk about a chopping block. Two lanes of Interstate 75 near Atlanta’s new ballpark had to be closed to traffic for nearly an hour after a truck spilled several boxes of the Braves’ souvenir foam tomahawks onto the highway. Braves fans, predictably, were up in arms.
HEADLINES
At SportsPickle.com: “Middle East promises sustained peace after U.S. threatens to send Skip Bayless.”
At TheKicker.com: “LeBron demands front office acquire more scapegoats.” Police in Spokane arrested Treshon Broughton after the ex-Washington State cornerback allegedly tried to buy a cigarette lighter with fake currency. An alert store clerk said Mike Leach’s face on a $20 bill was a dead giveaway.
NEXT UP: FLYING PIGS?
The only National Football League team that hasn’t had a player arrested in the past three years? The Oakland Raiders. Somewhere, the Matuszak-Stabler era Raiders are weeping.
UNFRIENDLY SKIES DEPT.
Wouldn’t you like to be a fly on the cabin wall when United Airlines discovers that its flight full of MMA fighters is overbooked?
HOCKEY-PUCK ALERT
Just wondering: Why isn’t there a moment of silence at NHL playoff games in honour on Don Rickles?
LOTS OF ICE, PLEASE
A playoff hockey game in Norway went eight overtimes. “Amateurs,” said the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox in unison.
GRAVY TRAIN
Defensive tackle Terrance “Pot Roast” Knighton, 30, is retiring from the NFL to try his hand at coaching. In other words, the Pot Roast is cooked.
TALKING THE TALK
Jim Barach of WCHS-TV in Charleston, W.Va., after Chicago Cubs players were awarded their first World Series rings in 108 years last week: “The team has been waiting for a ring longer than Oprah.”
Times reader Larry Maloney, on Washington women’s basketball star Kelsey Plum going 9 for 9 in winning major post-season awards: “What does she think she’s doing, shooting free throws?”
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, after exDetroit Lions receiver Titus Young was sentenced to four years for assault: “The worst part? They’re flying him to prison on United Airlines.”
Jerry Jones Cowboys meme making the Internet rounds: “I saved 15 per cent or more on health insurance, just by switching from Romo.”
MAIM THAT TUNE
If pro golfers ever make like baseball players and approach the first tee accompanied by walk-up music, here’s guessing that “Stairway to Heaven” won’t be Dustin Johnson’s song.
EXCUSE OF THE WEEK
The lawyer for Kirk Merritt is blaming the Texas A&M receiver’s 2016 arrest for allegedly exposing himself to two female tutors on “a bad case of jock itch.”
MORE HEADLINES
At SportsPickle.com: “United announces plans to add trained NHL enforcers to all domestic flights.”
TWEET OF THE WEEK
Brogan Probert, son of late Red Wings enforcer Bob, on his mother’s unusual tribute in Detroit: “Mom spreading dad’s ashes in the penalty box at The Joe . ... Can’t think of a better place for him. So much love.”
SPORTS QUIZ
Tiger Woods won’t return to the PGA Tour until: a) his balky back stops acting up. b) he can get in as many practice rounds as U.S. President Donald Trump.
PASS THE SCALPEL
A report says Americans spent $16 billion on cosmetic surgery last year. Which doesn’t even include the Jaguars’ recent $168 million in free-agent signings.
QUOTE MARKS
RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, on Packers star Aaron Rodgers’ breakup with actress Olivia Munn just months after their rumoured engagement: “Or as quarterbacks call it, a fail marry.”
Reader Mike H., to The Plain Dealer, on reasons for NFL optimism in Cleveland: “Browns are forecast to win AT LEAST 5 coin tosses this season!”
Kevin McGran of the Toronto Star, on playoff beards posing a problem for the Toronto Maple Leafs’ young roster: “The Leafs could play till July and I doubt there’d be more than peach fuzz.”