Put the bomb aside and look at your marriage
Q. My male co-worker of several years and I hit it off right away. I was too nervous or immature and walked away then. He never told me his feelings outright. Five years later, I’ve realized I’ve had feelings for him all along. I see him occasionally outside of work and we always have the most amazing time.
I still love my husband, but I desperately want to tell my friend I still have feelings for him five years later. I also want him to tell me the same.
I don’t want to break up my marriage. What should I do?
A. Instead of trying to light a fuse, put this bomb aside and look at your marriage.
Lots of married people have some fantasies that turn them on, e.g. the flirty guy at work, but they don’t all have affairs. That’s not what you want, if you truly love him. But you may need more in your relationship — of appreciation, affection, sex, laughter. Work on making those things happen before you risk not having a chance to try.
Ask nothing about your co-worker’s feelings. See him less outside of work. It’s great to get along well. Not so great to break up his family either.
This could be too much drama
Q. I recently got engaged and have to decide which friends will be in the wedding party.
In 2011, I was a bridesmaid at my friend’s wedding. I’ve known her since high school, along with three others in the same group. It ended messily in less than two years.
Soon after, he and one of those girls started dating. They’re now engaged.
There was a lot of gossip/suspicion that they were “messing around” before the couple separated. Our group divided their support and I’m in the middle.
I’d like to have all four girlfriends in my wedding party but the two sides haven’t been in the same room for over three years.
I’m thinking of having one as maid of honour, the other and the ex-wife as bridesmaids. And I’d explain to the new fiancée that I’d like to have her in the wedding party, but it could be too much drama.
A. There are only two true opponents here — the fiancée and the ex-wife. The other two are side-takers.
If one of the four women has been a closer friend, choose her as MOH or pick a close relative instead. Tell each of the others that you want them in your wedding party but naturally don’t want distracting drama.
If someone can’t accept another’s presence in the group, say you’ll still invite them as important guests.
Don’t isolate only the fiancée, since you can’t know the whole story, including the ex-husband’s part. Then ignore all this and enjoy your own happiness.
Feedback regarding the man who wants to cut ties with his parents (March 24):
Reader: “I’m a woman in my mid-40s, with a relatively good relationship with my parents, having cut off one sibling seven years ago.
“Our relationship involved psychological torment and abuse that affected me and my parents, who wouldn’t acknowledge its effect on them, me, or our relationship.
“Ending it without further discussion with my parents was empowering and life-changing.
“The consideration of later regret should always be weighed, but must be balanced against a healthy living situation.
“This man’s wise to end contact with his parents, if he feels it’s better to live without the pain than endure it based on some fantasy of a happy family which he knows will never happen. Or else he might regret that he wasted so much time and energy on a hopeless situation where he was always suffering the most and feeling powerless.”