The Hamilton Spectator

That’s a painful way to make it into the record book

- DWIGHT PERRY

Ever hear of a batter getting credited with a four-hitter? Chicago Cubs and St. Louis Cardinals pitchers plunked Pittsburgh Pirates second-baseman Josh Harrison with pitches in four consecutiv­e plate appearance­s last Sunday and Monday — making him the first player since 1974 to suffer that. So when’s his first Icy Hot commercial?

HEADLINES

Sign spotted among the onlookers at this year’s Boston Marathon: “If Ortiz can steal 17 bases, you can finish this marathon!”

At TheKicker.com: “Bummer: Mariners’ new Griffey statue traded to Reds.”

STUDENT AID

Former National Football League agent Terry Watson pleaded guilty to giving cash to three former North Carolina football players. In keeping with tradition, they had tutors take it for them.

GOLF UPDATE

This just in: Tiger Woods won’t play in a major again this year, but his surgeon just made another cut.

RETURN TRIP

Serial tripper Grayson Allen finally announced his decision: He’ll return for his senior season at Duke rather than leave early for the NBA. Apparently he’d been kicking it around for weeks.

LOUISVILLE CHUGGER

New on the Atlanta Braves’ ballpark menu this season: a beer aged in wood from Mizuno Maple Elite baseball bats. So ... make it one beer, please — and hold the pine tar.

BO JEST

Michigan fans Gregg and Lani Fettig named their fourth son Harbaugh. What, you were expecting Schembechl­er or Oosterbaan, perhaps?

NET GAIN DEPT.

Tennis star Serena Williams is expecting her first child this fall. Alert Wimbledon oddsmakers immediatel­y installed her as the doubles favourite.

PARK THAT SUZUKI

For some odd reason, the Marlins kept Japanese icon Ichiro Suzuki on the bench Tuesday during the Mariners’ Salute to Japanese Baseball Night in Seattle. Then again, maybe they’re saving him for Singles Night.

ROOT SELLERS

“Rooted in Oakland” is the A’s new slogan for 2017. The Raiders, not to be outdone, immediatel­y came up with “Reaccommod­ating from Oakland.”

TALKING THE TALK

Greg Cote of the Miami Herald, on the Dolphins’ Stephen Ross being the lone dissenter when NFL owners voted 31-1 to let the Raiders’ move to Las Vegas: “Ross has since been so heroically lauded in the media, you’d think he’d rescued three nuns from a burning car.”

RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, on Olympic gold-medallist Dana Vollmer swimming a race during her third trimester: “I’m thinking it’ll be hard to tell if her water breaks.”

Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon Express, on why it took the NFL 52,129 tries to come up with its next NFL schedule: “Apparently everyone wanted to play Cleveland twice.”

HIGH TIDE

The NCAA Football Oversight Committee is vowing to take a “deep dive” into the burgeoning size of football support staffs (translatio­n: Alabama’s). Coot Farley, the Crimson Tide’s assistant recruiting co-ordinator for deep-snappers, declined comment.

CHEESE PUFFS

Ten tons of Kraft and Velveeta cheese were destroyed when the brakes of the semi hauling it caught fire near West Allis, Wis. So, in addition to Title Town USA, Cheesehead­s can now lay claim to the Fondue Capital of the World.

MORE HEADLINES

At SportsPick­le.com: “Westbrook, Harden, Durant admit they have discussed one day forming their own ‘super team.’ ”

At TheKicker.com: “LeBron passes Popovich for most wins by an active head coach.”

SITTING BY THE BAY

Roads around a planned community on the site where Candlestic­k Park once stood will be named after San Francisco sports stars Joe Montana, Jerry Rice and Barry Bonds. And if you want a place to sit, all the park benches honour Colin Kaepernick.

HOLD THE STITCHES

Hockey toughness is contagious, it appears. A 43-year-old Penguins fan, stabbed in the head with a screwdrive­r at his Pittsburgh auto-detail shop, refused to go in for treatment for more than an hour — until after the team’s playoff game on TV was over.

HIGH FLY

Pirates star Sterling Marte has been suspended 80 games after testing positive for a banned performanc­e-enhancing drug. Club officials figured something was amiss when he popped up to short — and the ball came down two days later.

QUOTE MARKS

Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, after Bengals cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones got into an altercatio­n with a reporter at a news conference in Cincinnati: “Been a rough week for Adam. Earlier this week he beat up his anger-management therapist.”

Reader John, to the Cleveland Plain Dealer, on this year’s NFL draft: “Is it true the Browns are considerin­g trading (No.) 1 pick Myles Garrett for three United Airlines security guards?”

 ?? ASSOCIATED PRESS FILE PHOTO ?? Rumours have it that the Cleveland Browns will trade top-rated defensive end Myles Garrett in the draft for three United Airlines security guards.
ASSOCIATED PRESS FILE PHOTO Rumours have it that the Cleveland Browns will trade top-rated defensive end Myles Garrett in the draft for three United Airlines security guards.
 ?? ASSOCIATED PRESS FILE PHOTO ?? What has Duke’s Grayson Allen been kicking around?
ASSOCIATED PRESS FILE PHOTO What has Duke’s Grayson Allen been kicking around?

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