Is adult brother’s sexual behaviour normal?

Q: I have a very close relationship with my middle aged gay brother. He doesn’t smoke, drink or do drugs. He is a loving, kind sibling who is still a virgin. Recently, he confided in me that he likes to “dress up” and masturbate three to four times a week in the privacy of his own home and bed. I am wondering if this is normal behaviour for a man his age. Can he develop any physical ailments like a hernia from all this exertion and strenuous activity?

A: Human sexual orientation and expression is on a continuum. Many people take normal for what falls within the middle third of that continuum and consider what lies outside the middle third to be abnormal.

It is important, though, to appreciate and distinguish less usual from normal. Less usual doesn’t mean something isn’t normal. Given that the continuum of human sexual orientation and expression is normal, we then seek to determine if any given behaviour creates harm for oneself or another. This gets tricky as individual attitudes on this vary.

A civil libertarian perspective suggests that what one chooses to do privately or with another consenting adult is their business alone. Right leaning religious or social conservative perspectives would hold that sexual orientation and expression outside the middle third of the continuum is unacceptable.

From a human behaviour and health perspective, what you are conveying about your brother is not necessarily worrisome. He is engaging in a private set of sexual behaviours. Masturbation is also normal and does not lend itself to health issues.

As your brother’s orientation and expression are outside the bounds of usual but along the continuum of normal, he may experience some degree of shame given that the broader culture is not necessarily accepting of such behaviour.

In circumstances where one does feel shame and if that shame is distressing, meeting and affiliating with like-minded persons can be a source of support and help normalize one’s own views, orientation and sexual expression.

I am pleased your brother had enough comfort with you to raise this and that you are supportive.

The Hamilton Family Health Team website offers a number of resources for people who may need support and information for managing their sexual health: hamiltonfht.ca/en/managing-my-health/LGBTQ.aspx

Have a parenting or relationship question? Send it in a brief email to question@yoursocialworker.com. Due to the volume of mail, not all questions will receive a reply.