Lives left behind
Nina Johnston (wife), left behind by John Johnston, 45. “This was John Johnston’s kilt that he wore when he competed and played in the Scottish Highland Games. He was strong, sweet, kind and generous with a fabulous sense of humour. He made me a better person. I miss him every day.”
IT HAD ONLY BEEN A MONTH since one family buried its child.
And decades since a woman learned that, far across the ocean, her grandmother had died. A large group of friends celebrated one missed pal. One woman grieved two of her siblings. They introduced themselves as husbands, wives, sisters, brothers, parents, coworkers …
Last month 36 people — and one dog — from our community came to have their portraits taken at The Spectator because they had something in common: All had lost someone to suicide. All had been left behind. The idea for this photo project came in the wake of a long, sad story I wrote this summer about a young woman named Nicole Patenaude who jumped off a bridge onto Hwy. 403 and died. With the blessing and help of her family, I pieced together Nicole’s life, her struggle with mental illness and the details of her suicide.
The response to the story was overwhelming. Readers praised the Patenaudes for sharing Nicole’s life and openly discussing the difficult issues that led to her death.
The courage of the Patenaude family inspired dozens of people who had lost loved ones to suicide to ask if I could tell their stories too.
I WAS DEEPLY TOUCHED by this outpouring from the public.
But it was impossible for me to tell each of those stories in the same detailed way that I wrote about Nicole. So Left Behind was born. By inviting family and friends of those who died by suicide to come in to the Spec, have their portraits taken and write their own words, I could share some of those stories.
So I sent out the invitation out in my Spectator column.
Then, for two days at the beginning of August, Spectator photojournalist Gary Yokoyama and I set up a special photo studio in our auditorium and waited for people to come.
I wondered if anyone would.
AS
IT TURNED OUT, they arrived before the doors to our first session even opened. Each participant was asked to bring a photo of the person they’d lost, an item that had belonged to them, and a 50-word explanation of the significance of that item.
The sessions were poignant reminders that each year dozens of Hamilton residents die by suicide.
In 2015, the last year for which the Office of the Chief Coroner has statistics, there were 56 suicide deaths in Hamilton.
Those who participated in the Left Behind photo project all had similar reasons for taking part:
They wanted to honour their loved ones. They wanted to break down the stigma associated with mental health and suicide.
And they wanted to show other families that they are not alone.
One of the unexpected and truly beautiful consequences of the project was that as participants came and went from our pop-up photo studio, they met each other.
Strangers hugged, shared their stories and offered each other advice, encouragement and compassion.
One of those who gave and received many hugs was Carol Patenaude, the mother of Nicole … whose story started it all.
Sue Brown (co-worker), left behind by Jami-Lee Lyne, 27.
“This Tigger mug belonged to my best friend at work. Jami and I spent many lunches together. We walked, talked and laughed. We shared our secrets and our lives. Today, Jami’s mug sits on my desk watching over me. Tigger’s smile reminds me of her smile and the precious friendship we shared.”
Bob Salac (husband), left behind by Liz Salac, 54.
“She honoured her Polish ancestry. She was a partner, a mother, a sister, an aunt and a loyal friend. She was a registered nurse who took her responsibility as a caregiver and medical professional very seriously. She liked to travel. She lived with devotion to those she loved and empathy for those who needed her. O mama moja.”
Mary Wharton (mother) and Alana Wharton (sister), left behind by Ryan Wharton, 19.
“Son, brother, grandson, nephew, cousin, friend to many. Athlete and scholar. Tiger-Cats fan. Thank you for teaching us the importance of family and leaving us with a passion to reach out and help others. #53 lives on in our hearts and minds forever.”
Pam Robinson (wife), left behind by Jim Robinson, 60.
“There are many people who die by suicide who were never able to verbalize their struggles, their demons. Why did we not see this? They hid it from us. The shock after their death is overwhelming. My husband was successful in life, dedicated to his family and had a passion for sports: baseball, football, basketball, running, golf and refereeing. But his greatest gift was coaching boys’ basketball for 25 years. Many of his former players have said he was their best coach, which is a testament to his dedication to sports. His Fox40 whistle (around Pam’s neck) reminds me of this.”
Sarah Farr (friend), left behind by Craig Isbester, 27.
“This was his watch. He wasn’t wearing it when he passed — it was on the kitchen counter — but it stopped working the day he died. It was July, 2005.”
Marlene Bergman (teacher), left behind by Randy Stahl Jr., 38.
“Randy was a wonderful dad to his two boys, Dylan (now 8) and Ryan (now 12). I taught Randy in kindergarten and had followed his life with interest for over 30 years. When Randy took his life in November 2016 we were all devastated. As a memorial and comfort for his sons, I made blankets for them, reminding them that when their dad was in my class, he too had a blanket. I suggested that when they missed their dad, they feel comfort as they cuddle in the blanket.” (Marlene is wearing a piece of the blanket fabric like a scarf around her neck.)
Andrew Veldhuis (brother), Paul Veldhuis (dad), Beverly Slofstra (grandma) and Irene Veldhuis (mom), left behind by Gerri-Lynne Velduis, 18.
“Gerri-Lynne overdosed on medication and passed away on July 1, 2017, a day before her 19th birthday. She loved Tigger, which also happened to be the mascot of the ‘Mike’s Miracles Cancer Foundation.’ At the age of 10, she and a number of classmates organized a Cancer Club with the intent of raising funds for children who were suffering from this disease. Her desire to be Christ’s servant had Gerri-Lynne raising hundreds of dollars for more than five years for this cause. She was a girl with a big and caring heart.”
Leslie Christopherson (mom), Margaret Edwards (nanny), Jax Naylor (nephew) and Kelly Naylor (sister), left behind by Ryan Christopherson, 25.
“Big Red was Ryan’s favourite car. He spent countless hours behind the wheel. If he wasn’t driving it, he was cleaning it or adding something new to it. He found relief from his anxiety when he was working on his car.”
Mary Lou De Tina (mom) and Don De Tina (dad), left behind by Alicia De Tina, 27.
“Three years ago, after suffering from mental illness for 15 years, our daughter Alicia died by suicide. Through her art, she showed bravery and creativity struggling against the destructive burden of disease. We love and miss her every day. We encourage universal access to psychotherapy.”
Jordan Kerkhof (brother), Ida Kerkhof (mother), John Kerkhof (father) and Laura Ouwehand (sister), left behind by Andrew Kerkhof, 26.
“Andrew, our beloved son and brother, was extremely kind and compassionate. This wooden keepsake was special to him because he loved birds and was rarely seen without one on his shoulder. Andrew died by depression and suicide in 2013 and has been missed immensely since.”
Brian Morton (friend who wrote this tribute), Rusty (mom’s dog), Melanie Skene (friend), Anne Parker (mom), Tamara Kamermans (friend), Wendell Enman (friend) and Simon De Aubreu (friend), left behind by Robin Pittis, 40.
“Robin got under your skin. Robin made you think. Robin challenged your beliefs. Robin was a wonderful ally. He gave everything to things he supported and was tactful about things that he didn’t. Robin was ill and that illness, in the end, killed him. He carried around such guilt and shame over things he had no need to be guilty or ashamed of. I dwell on his ending, but as all playwrights know, the middle bits are the most important. So today I try to focus on that. My friend is dead. I miss him. I wish I had said more often that I loved him. I wish I had not been so mad at him, as our last meeting was not so cordial. I will remember him in my heart, until one day, perhaps, we shall meet again in a better place. Robin gave me this ‘rubber duck’ version of William Shakespeare, one Christmas, about eight years back.”
Joan Culnane (mother), left behind by Jeffrey Lawrence Stewart, 45.
“The item that belonged to my son was a collection of ‘spiders,’ those yellow plastic 45 rpm inserts. I had a replica made to wear in his honour. He loved music, especially U2’s ‘Joshua Tree Album.’ He was artistic.”
Kevin de Kock (dad) and Melody de Kock (sister), left behind by Carrie-Ann de Kock, 39.
“Her children were everything to her. Even when her illness made it difficult for her to be the mother she wanted to be, she never stopped loving and wanting the best for them.”
Carol Patenaude (mother), left behind by Nicole Patenaude, 20.
“Scrabble champion Nicole, your giggly spirit is unforgettable, just like your famous Scrabble phrase: ‘Really, it is a word.’ We don’t have words to express how hard life is without you. We continue to take it one step at a time. Fly high our beautiful butterfly!”
Dorothy Haartman (sister), left behind by Agnes Graef, 35 and John Haartman, 44.
“This dress is special to me because Agnes sewed it to wear at my wedding many years ago. She was a talented and creative seamstress and I have many treasured memories of spending time fabric shopping and sewing with her and my other sister when we were all teenagers. From the time he was very young my brother John loved working with tools. Recently, I found this box that he made in middle school. It’s a happy reminder of his gift for using tools in different ways; whether it was to create woodworking projects, build go-carts or fix cars.”
Al Boschman (dad), left behind by Mac Elliott, 20.
“Mac was intelligent, talented, enjoyed playing drums and debating philosophy and politics. Unfortunately, the system and its lack of resources failed him. He died a day before his 21st birthday. He left behind his mother Kim, sister Emma, brother Jackson and his father, Al Boschman. We just want Mac to be remembered.”
Dr. Jenn Brasch (psychiatrist), left behind by patients.
“I have lost patients to suicide. Each one struggled with psychiatric symptoms, adversity and stress, but succumbed to terminal psychiatric illness. I mourn each loss. I have no photos, and no favourite objects to share, only memories and unanswered questions.”