Dad hoping to rebuild relationship with teen daughter
Q: How does one work through parental alienation? Work with the estranged family member in hopes of a reunion?
My husband and I have not been able to have contact with his daughter since she was 11 years old. She is now 16.
I should state that no child abuse has ever occurred, and my husband is a loving father. We have gone to court and although the judges (many) have taken my husband’s side, they all said they can’t order a child to see their father. So here we are five years later, still with this huge void. What can we do?
A: Parental alienation is the term used when an assessment determines that between separated parents, one of them undermines the child’s relationship with the other. While this represents one or two per cent of all family law cases, these situations occupy 80 to 90 per cent of the court’s time. These are not easy cases to prove as there are often cross allegations of abuse, substantiated and unsubstantiated.
Regardless of evidence, facilitating reconciliation between the child and alienated parent is remarkably challenging. By analogy, these are like stage 3 or 4 cancers in a family/social context, meaning outcomes tend to be poor.
Although many parents turn to the court to effect change and bring relief, this often exacerbates the conflict and entrenches the parental alienation as each adult seeks to prove that the other is the bad parent. It is not uncommon for children in these situations, coming into adolescence and adulthood, to be at substantial risk of mental health problems: chief among them anxiety, depression and personality disorders.
The child is locked into a tug of war for their love and mind between parents who, naturally, both want a loving relationship with their child but cannot let go to extricate them from the fight.
There is no easy solution. Every option carries additional risks — to the parents’ relationship with the child, and to the child’s wellbeing. Some parents will continue to fight while others will let go in the hope that in the years to come, they will be able to work on the relationship with their now adult child.
No parent is perfect, but they can improve the outcome in such cases by taking responsibility for contributing to their child’s distress and apologizing. Limiting negative talk about the other parent is also helpful.
The alienated parent can also consider undergoing therapy to help them let go of the tug-of-war and find ways to remain available should the child ever be ready to explore a relationship.