IMPOSTER!
When the Christmas candy finally runs out, the panic sets in
Think about it.
You pluck the last chocolate from the last layer of the last box of Christmas candy. And you sigh, part sadness, part relief. You knew it wouldn’t last forever, but still, an emptiness washes over you — emptiness tinged with panic. Because what happens now?
Sure, the grapes in your fridge — already checked and rechecked for deadly, poisonous spiders — are washed and ready to go. And sure, grapes are like the natural step down from chocolate, if you’re trying to go the healthy route. I mean, you can’t expect a person who survived solely on chocolate for two months to just dive right into a bowl of kale, can you? That’s not right.
S.M.A.R.T. goals (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Timely) are about making small, achievable goals instead of huge ones that might overwhelm a person, causing them to shut down and spend a week on the couch in the fetal position, binge-watching “Grey’s Anatomy.” Not that I know anything about that, personally. But let’s just say that’s a decent example of what might happen to a person who, say, decides to leave her full-time job to go back to school with a full course load, while also planning to run 10 kilometres every day, do hot yoga every other day, learn to draw, knit, cook, volunteer, etc.
A S.M.A.R.T.er goal might have been … oh … trying to eat only one Pillsbury chocolate chip cookie instead of an entire log of cookie dough in one sitting. Achievable. Realistic. And even then, maybe not so much. I’ll keep it in mind for next time.
Oh sure, doctors and nutritionists would probably recommend ditching the chocolate and cookies altogether and diving right into the bowl of kale immediately. But I get that expired, discount Christmas chocolate is like crack and isn’t so easy to forget. And that January sale at Shoppers Drug Mart when we loaded up on Pot of Gold didn’t help.
But don’t get the sads just yet. Because you have the grapes (check them once more for deadly, poisonous spiders, OK?) and guess what? Easter is around the corner. We all know Valentine’s Day chocolate is for suckers (overpriced marshmallow candy hearts are not a thing). But if you’ve been a visitor to this space for more than five minutes, you know about my affection for the Cadbury Crème Egg, the sweet treat that only comes around once a year, approaching Easter (and sometimes year-round at the dollar store).
So imagine that you bite the head off your last waxy chocolate Santa Claus and you’re like, “What now? The grapes just aren’t going to cut it.” So you head over to Shoppers looking for candy inspiration, when you see the Cadbury Crème Eggs. You purchase a single egg instead of the economical three-pack (S.M.A.R.T. goals, after all), head home, climb back onto your couch and tear into one, when lo and behold, it’s white chocolate. WHAT. THE …. !@#$?> ???? White chocolate, like red velvet and the aforementioned marshmallow hearts, is also not a thing. White chocolate is not chocolate at all. White chocolate contains no cacao powder and, in fact, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration refers to white chocolate as a “solid or semiplastic food.” It’s an impostor.
But for some reason, the Cadbury company decided to create 371 white chocolate Crème Eggs and disguise them as the real deal.
It’s a contest in the United Kingdom, you see, and the lucky Brits who find one of these impostors are eligible to win a cash prize between £100 and £2,000.
Which is what you would have to pay me, once I’m back home and on my couch and midway through an episode of “Grey’s Anatomy,” to go back to the store to buy another egg, hopefully this time in milk chocolate. I mean, sure I’d be happy to win the equivalent of a few thousand dollars, because think of how many Crème Eggs a person can buy with that cash. But what a pain to have to get up, put on your boots, drive to the store, and so on and so forth.
Luckily for us Canadians, we won’t be gambling with our Crème Eggs, because as I said, the contest is only in the U.K.
And, I suppose, if we really want to play it safe and not take chances with our snack food, we’ll just stick with the grapes.
White chocolate is not chocolate at all. White chocolate contains no cacao powder ... It’s an impostor.