Focus on selfies has her mom looking at big picture

Q: Our daughter takes probably hundreds of selfies daily. She doesn’t post them all but when she does, she counts the number of likes and if she doesn’t get enough likes quickly, she removes the picture from her social media.

Her grades have even slipped because of this. I think this is a problem, but she doesn’t listen to me and keeps doing it. How do I get her to stop?

A: While I don’t know your daughter, in stories such as these I worry about the child’s selfesteem: how she values herself. The behaviour described is about external validation, which is only important if one hasn’t internalized a positive sense of worth. So, the question changes from ‘how do I get her to stop’ to ‘what may have interfered with my daughter’s development of healthy self esteem’ or ‘why does she have a need for external validation and how do I help her develop selfworth?’ To answer those questions, you may have to examine the circumstances of your daughter’s upbringing to determine if her emotional needs were truly met.

If, however, you think the above is off base, you can look at her behaviour from an addiction perspective. Taking the selfies, posting and seeking “likes” gives the brain a rush of the neurotransmitter dopamine, which creates a sense of pleasure. So asking her to stop is like trying to limit a cocaine addiction.

The likelihood of her obeying is slim, as is the likelihood of her dialing back the behaviour. You may have to block her access to the internet and to her pictureenabled devices. If you do, expect tremendous pushback — which can include defiant behaviour up to and including violence, suicidal threats, self-harm and suicide.

When a behaviour takes over and interferes with one’s life, it is time to consider professional help.

Whether it is a self-worth problem or an addiction, your daughter needs help and she is not heeding your input. So it may be time for counselling.

Before rushing your daughter to the counsellor, though, first consider going yourself, alone. The objective here is for you to discuss and learn about what may be going on, and what role you can play in your daughter’s positive development. She will need your support and you will likely require support to provide it.