Dating coach: make a solo appearance
Do you know how many photo slots Match.com has? Twentysix! Do you know how many pictures I recommend my clients post on an online dating site? Four or five.
Less is more when it comes to online dating photos. Give someone a glimpse into your life ... not the entire album of your life!
What kinds of photos should you include in these four or five?
Online dating experts often give conflicting advice in general ... a long profile versus a short one, listing your salary range versus leaving it blank, lying about your age or not (do NOT do this). But, there’s one piece of advice that most experts agree on: be by yourself in your online dating pictures. The last thing you want is to be compared to someone else (often a friend) in your own profile!
People use all kinds of rationale for including others in their photos, and I’m here to debunk them all, and then add two caveats for when it’s appropriate to share screen time with someone else.
1. I want to show that I’m social.
If you’re trying to show that you’re social by including a picture of you with your friends (or, “social proof,” as some call it), it often does the opposite — it looks like you’re trying too hard to show that you’re social. The baseline is that you have friends, not the other way around. In all the years that I have done online dating, on and off, I have never included anyone else in my pictures. Did my dates question whether I had a social life? Absolutely not! (Though, please don’t only include selfies ... then even I might start to wonder why there’s no one else who can take your picture.)
If you have an active social life, your profile should list some of the activities you do (tennis, sailing club, happy hour, etc.), or even show yourself in a photo doing one of these activities.
What we don’t want to make anyone pause to wonder whose profile this is. Especially on the dating apps, like Tinder and Bumble, people are making snap decisions. If you have a friend in your main profile picture, most people will immediately swipe left since they can’t tell who you are and don’t have (or won’t make) the time to decipher it.
2. I want to show that I spend time with attractive people (often of the opposite sex). As in, they really like me, so you should, too!
This picture is intimidating on many levels. 1) We compare ourselves to those in the photo to decide if we’re attractive enough. 2) It looks a bit show-offy like you only befriend really attractive people. 3) It makes us wonder if all of your friends are of the opposite sex. Is there even room for someone else in your life? Loselose-lose.
3. I want to show how attractive my ex was so people can see who I think is in my league.
Just no. This picture is also intimidating. 1) We compare ourselves. 2) We think you’re not over the ex if he/she still takes a prominent spot in your profile. 3) Even if you’re in a picture with just one other person of the opposite sex, we assume it’s an ex, even if it’s just a brother or sister. Again, lose-lose-lose.
4. I want to show how goodlooking I am compared to the rest of my friends.
Who do you think you’re fooling? People will see right through this.
Now, let’s say you have an amazing picture of yourself, but others happen to be in it? Simple ... crop it! Cropping it is preferable to putting bubbles over or blurring out their faces.
What are the two caveats? Children and pets. If you have children, it’s your choice whether to include a photo with them or not. But if you do, one is sufficient and please add a caption saying that these are your kids (and you may want to ask their permission first). For pets, again, one picture with Rover or Kitty is plenty. And remember, don’t just show a picture of your pet without you in it or “borrow” someone’s pet for the photo.
The moral of the story? It’s time to make a solo appearance ... in your online dating photos, that is.