See past the fight with your soon-to-be ex spouse
Q: My ex and me have a high conflict divorce going on. We can’t afford our lawyers anymore, so they are telling us to go to mediation. We have each proposed three mediators, all different, so now we are fighting over the choice of the mediator. How do I win this one?
A: Sorry that mediation wasn’t presented as an option from the start as we know that litigation-trained lawyers have a propensity to increase conflict between separated parents as well as diminish communication. In mediation, efforts are placed on sorting out agreements versus assigning blame.
However, now that you are locked in a heated battle where both of you may have intensified feelings of mistrust, the choice of mediator can become the next battleground and interfere with getting into the mediation process.
Let go your need to choose a mediator beyond requiring that the person has some training and experience. This way, you both win by receiving the support necessary to resolve your dispute. The goal is not to prove who is right or wrong, it’s to arrive at an agreement you can live with that takes both parties’ concerns into account.
A successful approach has each person making proposals without offering their analysis of the situation. The other person can then accept, decline, ask for clarification and/or make a counterproposal. The mediator can also ask questions to help the parties determine how a proposal would be implemented so that everyone better understands the expectations. Google the work of Bill Eddy and take a look at his book, “So What’s Your Proposal?”
Mediation is not about winning or losing. It is about determining a way forward that you can live with but may not necessarily love.
Have a parenting or relationship question? Send it in a brief email to question@yoursocialworker.com. Due to the volume of mail, not all questions will receive a reply.
Special to The Hamilton Spectator