Fiancé sending bad signals Protect your recovery
Q. I’m 65, divorced, retired on a fixed income, and engaged to a man, 52. We recently bought a home together with his name only on the mortgage, but both our names on the deed.
I gave $15,000 for the down-payment; he didn’t have any to put down.
Because I cashed in an investment to do this, I also had to take a loan to pay the taxes.
Now the home I shared with my ex-husband has sold, so I’ll be able to pay off my loan, plus a credit-card bill.
But my fiancé wants me to put more money on this house, plus his credit card, so he won’t have such a large balance.
I’d like to share some of this money with my two adult children (he has no children). If I don’t do this, he wants to take my name off the deed so my kids won’t get anything after I’m gone.
If he should go first, I wouldn’t have a claim on this place, even though I’ve already invested a lot of time and money on it. He’s also pressuring me for marriage. Does it sound like he’s using me?
A. He’s taking advantage of you and behaving in a controlling manner.
On the financial and legal matters, you need professional advice.
It’s worth your time and some money to put all this before a lawyer. Then seek some advice from a senior person where you bank.
The main point is this: The money you receive from the house you shared with your ex has nothing to do with this man.
If you wished to share some with him, fine. But your children are logical recipients of some help if they need it, from this house sale.
The fact that your fiancé is threatening you to not inherit any part of a house on which you’ve paid the down payment and are on the deed, is a very bad signal.
Get more informed on your rights, then rethink the whole relationship.
Q. My boyfriend and I dated last year but it wasn’t a good relationship due to my addiction and mental health issues.
He started dating someone else soon after we broke up. Six months later, we rekindled our relationship as I sought treatment. However, his ex won’t let him go. She messages him constantly and he plays into it by messaging back. I’ve said how much this bothers me, but he says he feels bad for her.
I don’t want to give ultimatums, but it makes me want to end this relationship. I’ve put so much effort into my recovery that I feel I don’t deserve someone who values someone else’s feelings more than mine. Should I just break up with him?
A. Protect your hard-won progress at recovery. He knows what you went through to achieve stability. Don’t risk it by accepting his excuse.
Tell him that you can’t sustain the relationship if the other person’s feelings come first. He must stop communicating with her or you’ll have to move on. If this happens, make sure you have support from close people and check in with the professionals who helped you go through treatment.
Recovery is an ongoing commitment to yourself. Whenever challenges upset your stability, remember what you achieved through your own hard work.
Reader’s commentary:
“Many people urge grandparents who are denied access to their grandkids, to determine their legal rights. They should, as laws are different everywhere.
“For example, the Children’s Law Reform Act was amended in Ontario in 2016. But it doesn’t mean that grandparents automatically have rights to their grandchildren. It now states that grandparents, specifically, can apply to be considered in custody and access proceedings.
“However, in Ontario, unless a parent has died (i.e. Dad passed away and Mom isn’t allowing the paternal grandparents access similar to what they had when he was alive), or the children already have a sustained and beneficial relationship with the grandparent(s), the court will generally not intervene or interfere with a legally competent parent’s right to manage his or her children’s associations.”