Drinking tearing up the family?
Q: I have always wished my parents would separate. My dad is a big jerk who treats my mom like crap, especially when he drinks. I don’t want to see either of them anymore and this is making my sister mad at me (she thinks I should just suck it up). I used to be close to my sister and don’t want to lose her, but I can’t take my parents anymore. How should I handle this?
A: Some families’ dynamics are complex. There are multiple alliances all happening in the context of challenging behaviour and choices. Clearly your parents’ relationship has affected you negatively and your sister may be wanting to keep the family together, perhaps for the sake of your mother.
When we attack these situations from a place of blame or shame, it has a tendency to turn people off from the one doing the attacking. Attention gets focused on how you handle the situation rather than the situation itself.
It may be helpful to explain to your sister, and your mother, the effect your dad’s behaviour has on you specifically. You can talk about feeling scared, powerless and overwhelmed as well as scared for your mother. You can also explain that because of those feelings, it is difficult for you to be around your parents, particularly if your dad is drinking or they are fighting.
Given that your dad’s drinking is a factor in your feelings, you may also consider attending Al-Anon, a group program for those affected by a problem drinker within their family. You can go on your own or with your sister and/or mother. Al-Anon may help you gain perspective and find strategies to cope with and manage those relationships.
You are definitely not alone with regard to the situation you describe. Speaking more clearly about its impact and finding support may help you cope, regardless of what you decide to do for yourself.
For more information about Al-Anon and to find a group near you, go to: al-anon.org.
Have a parenting or relationship question? Send it in a brief email to question@ yoursocialworker.com.
Due to the volume of mail, not all questions will receive a reply. Special to The Hamilton Spectator