Hey, Mr. Kendricks. Wall Street calling.
Well, this certainly puts a whole new spin on the term “inside linebacker.”
The Cleveland Browns cut LB Mychal Kendricks after he was charged in federal court with insider stock trading.
That’s what you call a stiff illegal-procedure penalty.
Headlines Pass the lettuce
Odell Beckham Jr. of the New York Giants says his superstar status makes him feel like a “zoo animal.”
Especially the part where the Giants ignore the warnings and feed him $95 million.
Just say non
Swimming and diving has been banned off the coast of Landévennec, France, thanks to the relentless amorous advances of a bottlenose dolphin.
Which certainly answers the question: What do you get when you cross Flipper with Pepé Le Pew?
Replace that divot
A duffer got into a fight on a Massachusetts course and had his finger bitten off at the knuckle. Well, there’s one golf slice that even Hank Haney can’t fix.
Hut 1 (million)
Green Bay QB Aaron Rodgers — who just agreed to a four-year, $134-million contract extension — is coming out with his own line of cheese, we hear.
It’s called Packers Gold.
Loss leader
J.C. Penney’s portfolio for the past four years boasts a profit in just two quarters.
In a related story, J.C. Penney has just been named the official retail store of the Cleveland Browns.
Power slump
Dodger Stadium has been hit by two power outages this season.
Which certainly puts a whole new meaning on “playing lightsout.”
Whoa is he
Andrew Benintendi is certainly doing his part to speed up baseball games.
The Red Sox outfielder accounted for all three outs — a sac bunt and a double play — in Boston’s 11-run inning against the Marlins, or else the Sox might still be batting.
Talking the talk
— Comedy writer and proud Sooner Argus Hamilton, on why he wants his ashes scattered over the Cotton Bowl: “So if Texas beats OU, it’s over my dead body.”
Goodbye, juice boxes
Arsenal soccer coach Unai Emery has banned high-sugar fruit drinks from his team’s training menu.
Still no word on the status of mom’s halftime orange slices.
Hit parade
Brewers centrefielder Christian Yelich not only hit for the cycle Wednesday against the Reds, he added two extra singles.
If this were Yahtzee, he’d have to decide between taking three points for three of a kind or 30 for a small straight.
Redoing the yard
South Carolina had to replace its entire football field — more than 90,000 square feet — less than a week before the season opener because of damage done to it during a Jay-Z and Beyoncé concert.
In other words, Jay-Z and Beyoncé look tougher on grass than the Gamecocks.
Playing ketchup
The town of Mayo, Fla., is temporarily changing its name to “Miracle Whip.”
Pittsburgh, to its credit, is sitting pat with Heinz Field.
Quote marks
— Jack Finarelli of Sports Curmudgeon.com, on the uselessness of NFL exhibition games: “College players figure out how to play football on Day One without four stupid rehearsals; you mean to tell me that pro players — who are the cream of the crop from college players — suddenly forgot how to get ready for Game One?”
— Richard Deitsch of The Athletic, via Twitter, on the TV networks’ love affair with Tiger Woods: “And here’s Brooks Koepka about to putt for a PGA Championship … (CBS cuts to Tiger Woods drinking water in the clubhouse).”
— Comedy writer Brad Dickson, on how hot and humid it is in Omaha, Neb.: “I was sweating like Urban Meyer being strapped into a lie detector.”
— Steve Simmons of the Toronto Sun, listing his top five Panthers: “Cam Newton, Luke Kuechly, Sasha Barkov, Roberto Luongo and Peter Sellers.”
— Tom FitzGerald of the San Francisco Chronicle, on Heisman hopeful Bryce Love in line to get his undergraduate degree in December: “That would mean he got through Stanford two quarters ahead of time, despite having what amounts to a full-time job as a college football player. Now that’s breakaway speed.”
Making decibel points
The Miami Marlins are trying to drum up interest by encouraging fans to bring noisemakers to games next season.
In lieu of singing “Take Me Out To the Ball Game,” maybe the fans should play “Taps.”