Casual NSA sex is great, but the affair feels wrong

Q: I’m a bit torn because I’m involved in No-Strings-Attached casual sex with a married man.

Things are great, we both get what we want without drama and commitment.

We met online several weeks ago. But I’m torn about his wife. If she ever finds out, she’ll be hurt.

I’m separated from an abusive exhusband. All I want is sex. Need Your Advice

A: You have a conscience, he doesn’t. You were abused and know the inner pain. For his wife, who inevitably will discover he’s cheating, that’s emotional abuse.

You can find NSA sex online with someone unattached. You’ll feel better not “torn.”

Q: How do I deal with an inconsiderate spouse who does things without involving me? I hate this feeling lonely and am wanting out. Fed Up and Sad

A: I understand the feelings that your very short email evokes: You are fed up and can no longer tolerate being left on your own. You do feel sad about what feels like the ending of your relationship.

Readers may be surprised at my answering a letter with no clue as to whether this is a marriage of some years, nor whether you have children together.

It’s also unknown whether it’s an opposite or same-sex spouse, a man or woman who’s let you down so hurtfully.

However, I see this as an opportunity to dispel assumptions and biases from any readers who think that I’d answer differently if it’s the woman behaving badly to a man.

There’s no such chance here. There are only two clear messages:

1) One partner is involved in activities on “their” own. It could be excessive gym attendance, playing a sport, or going out only with friends, etc.

2) The other partner is often alone. For me, this points to a common gap between what being in a relationship can provide — togetherness, common interests, a joint project.

Or, what the couple can agree on that’s individual — different interests with equal access for each to pursue them, while the other either looks after any children, or chooses to be on their own.

In other words, as in so many relationships, it’s likely that what’s missing here is honest communication.

Many people don’t know how to be a true “partner” in life. Too often, couples equate it with participating in chores, e.g. one does the cooking and the other the washing up, with constant bickering about what gets done or not.

But partnership is so much more — equality, mutual respect, support for each other’s ambitions like further schooling, a special dream of travel, etc.

So, if you’re also missing the personal right and self-confidence to say what you want to do on your own, and when you want to join your spouse ... then you’re not having a partnership.

Even if children are involved, there must be free time for both parents and joint time as family.

If you haven’t had those opportunities, been unable to pursue personal interests and been left behind unable to join your spouse, it’s time to stop accepting that arrangement.

Open a conversation. Say what you want, and if babysitting is needed, it must be in turns.

If you’re met with silence, arguments and/or nothing changing, suggest getting counselling together, or go for therapy on your own.

Just do not stay stuck. If you must be the one to leave, do it.

And make sure you have a safe plan, if you have reason to be worried about the reaction. Ellie’s tip of the day

Save your conscience and self-respect by fulfilling your sexual needs without relying on a married cheater. EXPERT ADVICE. IN YOUR INBOX: Sign up for the Star’s advice newsletter, get the latest on relationships, etiquette and more. Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca.