We need a national conversation on eldercare
No one is ever prepared for the role reversal that occurs when elderly parents need help
I will always be grateful for the care my parents received over those years in their retirement home
This is in response to ‘A failing system is failing Ontario’s elderly’ (Jan. 6).
“Till death do us part.” These were the words muttered by my dad in 2008, when it was suggested that our mother, who had just recovered from a stroke, after 10 weeks in hospital, should move to an assisted living facility or a long-term care home. He was resistant to the prospect of leaving his home of 45 years and insisted that he could take care of her at home.
We knew in our hearts that he could not, given that he was beginning to show signs of dementia, such as getting lost and forgetting where he was.
It was heartbreaking and we soon realized that they both needed assistance. We chose a retirement home nearby that had three levels of care, which could avoid another move should their care needs increase over time.
Four years later, it was my mother who uttered those words, “Till death do us part” when it was dad who required a move to the highest level of care, as he became increasingly frail and dementia progressed.
She did not yet require the higher level of care, but chose to move with him, into a couples’ suite where they remained together until my dad passed away two years later. As his needs increased, we were able to keep him there, with our mom, with the added services of provincially funded home care in addition to the compassionate care of the retirement home staff. They were the lucky ones. They were able to remain together for their entire lives.
Although not everyone can afford retirement home living, which is private, it is an option for many, who might have a house to sell and a “nest egg,” as my parents did. They were not wealthy folk, but lived frugally all their years, as so many of their generation did.
Dad was a tradesman and mom worked at Sears, but were able to afford eight years of retirement home living where they were supported and treated with love and compassion.
However, long-term care is no small expense, either. Families are often quite surprised how much the care costs actually are and having two people in long-term care is twice the cost.
MPP Catherine Fife’s bill, named “Till death do us part Act,” is a first step in keeping couples together on compassionate grounds if they choose to be together.
Sadly, often their care needs are so different that it is not possible or even appropriate to share accommodations. Waiting lists for longterm care are so long that only those in crisis are being placed. Currently, there is priority given for spouses who are also on the list, to be placed in the same facility. However, if the spouse does not require care at all, would it be a suitable placement?
In the past several years, there are more retirement homes being built, many with multiple levels of care, and many adjacent to longterm care homes. We need to have a national conversation about dementia, the aging population and ways of keeping spouses close together.
Perhaps it’s worth exploring the option of partially funding retirement homes, making them more affordable and more suitable for those who are somewhat independent. We ourselves are aging and the future is worrisome. No one is ever prepared for the role reversal that occurs when parents grow old and need help. It is a poignant journey of the heart so many must face.
I will always be grateful for the care my parents received over those years in their retirement home where the staff became like family and treated me as part of their team. I have written a memoir about those eight years, which may help others know they are not alone in this journey with aging parents. Janet V. Fraser, RN is a retired public health nurse living in Hamilton. Her book, “Just Another Day in the Retirement Home“(2019) is available for sale, in paperback or ebook format on Amazon, Chapters-Indigo, Barnes & Noble, and other online book sellers.