I thought she was perfect mate, then she changed over dinner
Q: I’m a man, 44, divorced, with two children. I recently met an amazing woman, 42, through a dating site and was knocked out from the start!
We’ve seen each other frequently over six weeks and I’ve already been thinking about a future together. She’s beautiful, exciting, has a big career, is worldly and loves to travel.
She divorced a year ago, has one child. They moved to my city six months ago. She enjoys a very full active life, just as I want to have.
Suddenly, I have doubts. I’d invited her to go with me to my best friend’s house, where he and his wife had invited two other couples I’ve known well for years. I wanted them all to meet the woman of my dreams.
To my total shock and confusion, she showed a completely different personality than I’d seen.
She remained extremely quiet, giving the impression that she’s shy and introverted, throughout the evening.
She gave one-word answers to their many questions and she didn’t engage in any conversations.
She showed them nothing of the person with whom I thought I’d fallen in love. I’m now questioning everything I thought about her and us as a couple.
How do I explain this or do I just head for the hills?
A: So many possible explanations, as in: You hadn’t yet told her you were thinking about a future together but did tell your friends whose unexpected scrutiny felt rude to her.
Or, their questions were too invasive, considering that they were strangers to her.
What I believe is most likely: She’s only lived in your city for six months, and only dated you for six weeks — all way too fast for opening up her personality and plans to people delving too deeply.
She’d be especially reluctant to open up, since you’d only told yourself that you see her as a long-term partner.
What I’ve presented here are only my “guesses” — though I’m aided by years of experience receiving other letters from people whose new loves “suddenly changed.”
What’s most needed now is to have a conversation with her alone, immediately.
First, apologize to her for your friends’ intense questioning. Tell her straight up that you’ve enjoyed dating her so much that you may have created a set-up for them to think you were already a committed couple and that she’d soon become part of the group.
She was wise to clam up. Now, slow down the rush and start talking realities.
You need to know if she’s even interested in a serious relationship with anyone, at this time.
Share some of your feelings for her, but still acknowledge that you now realize that it’s way too soon to plan ahead after just weeks of dating, when you both have children to consider, too.
FEEDBACK Regarding the neighbour used by his friend as a cover for the man’s cheating on his pregnant wife (Jan. 29):
Reader: The cheater’s wife already had her suspicions, which is why she asked the neighbour, “how was the meal” which he was supposed to have had with her spouse.
If I were advising this man, I’d tell the wife that I wasn’t there, he was with another woman.
In this day and age, unlike my experience years past, women don’t have to put up with a life of lies, especially if they have young children who don’t have to be exposed to a dysfunctional upbringing.
Her husband will never change.
Ellie’s tip of the day
Instant Love at First Sight is wonderfully magical. Taking time to build friendship/trust is a wise reality.
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