The case for somebody to love in lockdown

Being single may have its merits, but this pandemic shows we need each other

I’ve been a teacher for more than half my life now, and usually, marking assignments boils down to the same kind of feedback: focus your argument, make your subjects agree with your verbs, understand the difference between its and it’s, clarify your thesis, that’s a comma splice … I write these things thousands of times and I’m not bothered. Nuts and bolts.

This year my colleagues decided on an oral mid-term exam for the first-year college communications class. It was to be a three-minute presentation, recorded and submitted online, on one of two topics: first, how relationships have changed due to COVID-19, or second, the pros or cons of being single. I was fine with the assignment; after all, online presentation skills couldn’t be more relevant now.

Or, I was fine with the assignment until I actually had to grade it. One by one I watched as more than three quarters of my students — well over 70 of them — chose the latter option and informed me of the benefits of being single.

Not one of the students — most in their late teens but some older and married — decided to talk about the benefits of being in a relationship.

Over and over again they told me that being single was crucial to their emotional development; that it allowed more time for studying and career development; that it was good to be free of commitments and obligations, to be able to “relax,” just worry about themselves, and avoid the drama and heartbreak of romantic relationships; and that it was great to be able to save money instead of spending it on dating.

(No one mentioned that they also had loads of time to play video games and watch Netflix.)

I did what I’m supposed to do: I told them to work on moving beyond fairly general statements to provide more concrete examples; I told them to try not to wave their hands around so much, and to vary their tone and volume a bit more; I told them to avoid reading their whole presentation from their notes. But what I really wanted to tell them was that something, somewhere, seems to have gone horribly wrong.

What was this strange twilight zone where human beings had decided that self-love, study and financial security were more valuable than passion, and where the concept of a loving, emotionally fulfilling partnership was a hassle?

The term “lockdown” gained an entirely new dimension.

But then I clicked onto one of the last videos submitted, and a man’s face, obviously upset, appeared.

“This isn’t the report I expected to give. I was going to argue that it was OK to be single. The last 48 hours have changed my perspective on this. I’m 35. I’m single. And with the pandemic, I’ve noticed just how lonely being this age really is when you don’t have someone to share your experiences with. I was going to argue that being single gives you time to learn skills, discover who you are, discover who you love ... But I do feel now that these are things you need to do fast.

“I have a cousin about 10 years older than me; he’s the person I always relied on to help me out. He’s single and focused on his career. I always looked up to him and figured that if he did it, I could do it. I had an emergency this week and at the end of it my cousin was the only person I had to help me. While he was helping me he started having chest pains, and collapsed.

“At the hospital he was told that there was too much damage to his heart and it would give out in a few days. He has no wife, no children, and both his parents are dead. He’s sitting in the hospital, waiting to die, alone. I can’t imagine a worse fate. To be alone is just horrible. I apologize — this isn’t the report I expected to give.”

And I sat back from my laptop and stared at the screen for a while, thinking about how blissful, how transcendent and empowering, it feels to love someone who knows you — really knows you — and has chosen to love you in the way you need to be loved.

I thought about Mr. Darcy’s words to Elizabeth, when he tells her that she’s “bewitched (him), body and soul,” and about how deep love occupies that precious space where body and soul overlap.

And then I asked my robot speaker (another twilight zone moment) to play “Somebody to Love” by Queen.

And I turned it up.

What I really wanted to tell them was that something, somewhere, seems to have gone horribly wrong