How can families best help their elderly parents?
Q: I’m a man, 46, born into a large extended family of uncles and aunts. They were very close and we children had to show respect but also knew we were loved by all.
The older ones have died, including both my parents. Now there’s only one uncle left, age 81, considered the patriarch. He’d been living alone since his wife (whom he’d married when they were both just 19) passed away.
He was truly lost and we were all relieved when his son insisted he live with him and his wife. Their kids are grown, they have a large home, so there was plenty of space.
When any of the family visited my uncle there, we always brought his favourite dishes, but also cake, fruit and wine for his son and wife.
I was naturally very upset when I heard my uncle’s wife insisted he live elsewhere. When the words “seniors home” were mentioned, most of us were shocked.
How could a man who influenced us all regarding our values and family bonds be parcelled out to live with strangers when there was space and money to keep him among his immediate relatives?
I’ve been told that my cousin’s wife insisted on either choosing an institutional “home” or that some other relatives take him. I heard she said she needed emotional space in her own home.
Eventually, a different married son and his married sister have (both in their late-50s) agreed to share the care and keeping of their father. It’s working out so far. But I can’t forgive that cousin’s wife, nor her husband who claims she badgered him so much, he had to agree his father move.
How can families better prepare for the changing needs of their elderly parents?
A: It’s a thoughtful question that not enough people explore or discuss ahead.
Most seniors will insist they want to stay in their own homes. But when they’re older, frail, living alone, they certainly need some supports whether from family or another arrangement.
Most important is the need for open discussion between the elder and relatives. Even if family finances are limited, regular visits and checking up on a housebound person’s health and available food, is still a necessity.
But, when resources are greater and there are people waiting to learn what’s in a family member’s will, those same people have a moral duty.
They must help that person live with comforts, visits, attention to their health and social needs, including them in conversations and accompanying them to medical appointments.
Readers’ commentaries: Regarding the person with social anxiety repeatedly intruded upon by a talkative gossip (Aug. 30)
Reader No. 1: Working in a very busy environment meant I had little time for chatting. But one of my coworkers continually talked and interfered with my work if I were unlucky enough to ask or request something.
I didn’t want to be rude by interrupting, but one day I reached my limit and just walked off. Yet she was as “friendly” and talkative as ever.
I then realized she was talking obsessively, not really caring about anyone listening, so I never felt badly about ignoring the stream of words after that.
Reader No. 2: I’ve known forever that I’m an introvert. I do not have social anxiety and maybe this letter writer doesn’t either.
Don’t label or criticize yourself because you’re not an extrovert. The world has plenty of them.
Ellie’s tip of the day
Every family knows that its elders may someday need help. A gentle family discussion and plan can reassure all. Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca.