Open up to each other to get old feeling back

Q

My husband of three years and I have been arguing so much that I’ve felt angry, frustrated, and anxious for weeks. We met online five years ago. We’d both been married previously, both divorced, both in our late 40s.

After six months of long-distance contact, we decided to meet. On the first day he arrived from his country, we both felt it was true love, and he applied to live here.

Since then, he got a job, I sold my house, we bought a condo together. He met my adult daughter and son, and his son and wife came to visit.

But once the early excitement and sexual attraction was taken for granted, problems arose.

I made suggestions which he ignored. He’d go for drinks with his co-workers and not say he’d be home late. He said I was “always in his face,” and I said that since he didn’t tell me where he’d be, I lost trust in him.

I suspected that he no longer loved me. But when I said it, he looked totally surprised and hurt. I started to wonder what I was doing wrong, not just him.

My elderly aunt told me I had to get it right this time or I’d never trust another man and end up lonely.

That’s why I’m needing your advice. How do we get back that love we first felt, and trust each other enough to believe his nights out with “friends” aren’t “dates,” and discussing problems isn’t about blaming each other?

Second-Time Marriage “Issues”

A

Your aunt is a smart woman. She gave you a warning you couldn’t ignore, helping you realize that your worries/suspicions were worsening the relationship.

You were pulling away from each other, avoiding a conversation because each already felt there was no hope of repair.

But relationships require sharing the air to breathe together while listening to each other’s thoughts. There may still be different opinions ... but with openness, empathy increases, along with the feelings that originally drew you together.

By contrast, holding onto anger and worries only worsens the situation. You don’t know the facts, so you assume the worst. Your partner gets defensive, and goes silent, angry at unfair accusations. What a waste of the deeper feelings that brought you together!

The gentler way is ultimately more effective. If you open up to each other, seeking a return to loving feelings, you’re far more likely to have a long future together.

But if you keep suspecting and mistrusting, you’ll either be proven right, or you’ll lose him anyway if you’re wrong. Feedback Regarding the woman upstaged and upset by her boyfriend’s child (April 6): Reader “Having raised two, and taught hundreds of teenagers, I know how obnoxious/hurtful they can be, so I have some sympathy for Upstaged. But the couple have behaved foolishly, with little regard for this 14-year-old girl. I’ve seen too many kids’ lives derailed by such behaviour.

“She moved in within a year of the mother’s leaving, barely having met the daughter (!). The daughter didn’t choose to have this near-stranger invade her home.

“Upstaged should move out, continuing to date her boyfriend if they both wish, returning only when counselling clarifies everyone’s expectations and the daughter’s willing to accept her.

“If not, then the lovers can live together in a few years when the daughter’s on her own, working or in college.

“You don’t move into the house of a wounded teenager you barely know just because you’re in love with her father. That’s selfish and immature.”

Ellie’s tip of the day

Relationship concerns are best aired by seeking common ground, not who’s right or wrong.