The Hamilton Spectator

Mom’s will was not meant to hurt you


Q I feel like never seeing my siblings again. I emigrated to this country 15 years ago and was fortunate to get a first job, then progressed several years later to a better one.

I’m the youngest of three brothers and a sister still living in our home country. Things are different there. It’s harder to get ahead.

So I travel back every two years for a couple of weeks and bring the items they tell me they need most, which includes money. There’s a limit on how much

I can bring, but I’m also generous when with them, paying for meals out, etc.

My last visit was a sad time for all of us. Our long-widowed mother was in failing health and passed while I was there.

I paid for the funeral, the burial and her headstone.

That was nine months ago. I’ve since learned that my mother, having also inherited through my late father’s will some gold jewelry, saved it for years in case of financial emergencie­s. Recently, she gave all the items to my siblings, but none to me.

My oldest sister slipped up when she sent me photos of her now-adult children. I recognized the gold necklace she was wearing. Our father had shown us all the pieces he’d hidden, over many years, in a secure place. “Just in case,” he’d say.

I have a wife and two daughters. Though I earn well, life here is also expensive. But I never forgot my siblings’ needs nor have I regretted paying for them … until now.

How should I handle this?

Hurt and Angry

A Everything you’ve written about yourself as a son and brother has revealed you as a good and caring man. I trust you’ve also been generous to your wife and daughters, and while they might have enjoyed owning and wearing some of that jewelry, too, it wouldn’t have been as valuable to them as to your faraway family, who could have found themselves desperate to sell to escape hardships or worse.

You have the right to ask your siblings when and why they learned that only you wouldn’t receive any of the precious items. However, a will is a legal document in this country and likely in your home country, too.

Your parents’ initial purpose for the jewelry was apparently to avoid economic disaster or political upheaval and afford an escape route if ever needed.

Fortunatel­y, you don’t have that same shadow over your head. Yes, your mother could have included you in her will. But I suspect she had great pride in believing you and your family didn’t need that help.

Q My husband passed away many years ago, and I had very little contact with his family. I was left with small kids to raise on my own. His family never got to know our kids nor had any contact with them or me.

Now my former in-laws invited us to a wedding. I never remarried. Do I take my kids and go to the wedding with a proper gift and act like nothing happened? Or do I send them a gift and not attend? Please advise.

Lost In-laws

A Not everyone will agree with my response, but that’s not what matters.

This is an opportunit­y for your children to know more about their grandparen­ts, their father’s background and his extended family. You can bring the most important gift of connection to your children.

As for also bringing a wedding gift, the answer is yes, but it can be as modest or meaningful as you choose and can afford.

Ellie’s tip of the day

This successful immigrant brings comfort and pride to immediate family, plus financial help to those back home.

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