The Hamilton Spectator

Mother’s discomfort with son is her issue


Q My mother is an interior designer and very good at her job. When I was a little boy, I thought I wanted to be a firefighte­r. When I hit puberty, my interests changed drasticall­y and I became very involved in art and design at school. I worked on all the sets for the theatre and loved being a part of that world.

In college, I studied textile design, thinking I was going to go into dressmakin­g and couture. But I realized my true calling is home decor and design. I thought my mom would be thrilled.

She’s not. I actually think she’s embarrasse­d to have a son in this field. I think she believes it’s a woman’s area of interest, though there are many, many successful male designers. And, if I’m being truly honest, I think she’s embarrasse­d to have a gay son.

How do I show her that this is who I am? I’m happy and I’m good at what I do. I’d love to partner with her, but she’s just not interested.

Shamed Son

A You need to be proud of you. You have grown into a self-confident person who knows what he likes, who he wants to be, and how he wants to live and love in our world. That takes courage and strength.

I’m sorry that your mom is struggling with accepting who you are. But that is not a reflection on you. It’s her issue. She could talk through her issues with a profession­al in hope that you and she can move forward and continue your loving mother-son relationsh­ip.

If you have the strength and fortitude, you could say all of that to her. If you don’t think it’ll land coming from you, get help from someone who you trust and is accepting.

Q My friend’s girlfriend is Italian — born and raised in Italy, moved here just for my friend. They have a seemingly good relationsh­ip, and his Italian language skills are improving quickly. But he is far from fluent.

We all met when he and I were on an exchange program in Italy one semester a few years ago. He had a girlfriend back home and the Italian woman was dating someone at the time. We all just became friends and she was a fabulous tour guide while we were there.

COVID-19 hit the planet and we kept up our friendship through social media, getting together on Zoom with a few other friends from that semester every two months or so.

This past summer, my friend went back to Italy for an internship in his field. He literally bumped into his now-girlfriend in a café, and as they say, the rest is history.

The problem is that she isn’t trying at all to learn English, or get to know his friends. She’s fine with me because she knows me and I speak Italian enough. But our other friends, and especially his sister, are getting upset at her lack of trying, lack of friendline­ss.

How can I explain to her that she’s creating a rift that’s going to cause deeper problems down the road? And how can I help him see the damage she could potentiall­y cause? Amico Preoccupat­o

A You’ve definitely zoned in on the problem at hand, and you’re a good friend to be concerned. You’re right — if the Italian girlfriend (or any girlfriend, for that matter) doesn’t at least try to get to know your friend’s friends and family, she’ll alienate him. That never ends well.

You two sound very close. Go out with him alone and discuss your concerns. You’re not saying anything negative so he shouldn’t take offence. Tell him you want to help and together come up with strategies to help ease his girlfriend into the gang.

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