The Hamilton Spectator

I can’t stop staring at my co-worker


Q One of my work colleagues has a white bump on her eyelid. It looks like a pimple but isn’t in the location of a pimple. I don’t know what it is, but I can’t stop staring!

I feel terrible and try to look elsewhere, but it’s on her eye. I always look people in the eye when I speak to them, and it feels rude to do otherwise. I’m very uncomforta­ble and avoid her at all costs. But we work together, and she’s a very nice person.


Distracted Eye

A This is going to cause a ruckus, but I’d just be up front with her. I’d rather be honest and direct than be awkward and uncomforta­ble. I learned that when I was a teenager.

I was at a concert in a large stadium and the guy next to me kept talking to me. I think he liked my friend. He had a huge, fresh-looking scar down his cheek. I kept staring at it.

Finally I said, “I don’t mean to be rude, but I can’t help but notice your scar. What happened?”

He was so relieved I had asked and not continued to stare, he told me the whole story (which I forget), and continued on to tell me that I was the only person he had yet to meet who was brave enough to come right out and ask. And he appreciate­d that.

Lesson learned, for me, anyway. Feedback Regarding the married woman debating whether or not to tell her husband about a past same-sex relationsh­ip (Jan. 18):

Reader “Why? Why would you suggest she tell her husband? I doubt he’ll help her get past that.

“It’s like suggesting to someone they tell their spouse about every past relationsh­ip they ever had before they met. Why? There is no need.

“It’s irrelevant, and it could bring up uncomforta­ble feelings that could cause problems in the relationsh­ip that did not need to happen.

“This woman needs to be OK with that relationsh­ip and, as you mentioned, sexuality is fluid, and she had a wonderful relationsh­ip, and it could have been with a man or a woman, and now, she’s with this man and married and happy.

“End of story. Move on, and be OK with the memories of a beautiful same-sex relationsh­ip.

“This is her issue, and if she’s having problems with these memories, then she needs to take it to a therapist, not to her husband.

“Who knows what his position might be on homosexual­ity, or bisexualit­y. This is her past, and it needs to be left in the past, as it’s not doing anything to affect their present situation.

“I brought something like this into a relationsh­ip once, and it actually did cause a lot of consternat­ion with the man I was with. He kept wondering if perhaps I might want to have that lifestyle once again.”

Lisi You clearly explain why your reaction is such, based on your own experience.

That’s very normal.

And, no, I don’t believe people need to share their entire past relationsh­ip history with their spouse if they don’t want to do so.

This woman stated her marriage was solid and she was definitely heterosexu­al. Many people have good enough marriages that they can talk to their spouses about the past.

I suggested she share with him so he could help her. Hopefully, he was cool with it.

 ?? ??

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from Canada