John Tory’s affair is all too common — AND ALL TOO HUMAN
Affairs are an open secret. Isn’t it time we were more honest about them?
I’m no apologist for people who have affairs, but I can’t help feeling for John Tory.
I feel for his wife, too, of course. I have no doubt she is going through hell right now.
Will the former Toronto mayor, who stepped down last weekend after admitting to a consensual sexual relationship with an employee who supposedly moved to a job outside of his purview, be forever marked by this “inappropriate relationship?”
Yup, it’ll be close to the lead in his obituary.
And that’s a shame. Because for all the good he’s done in his life, now he’ll be mostly remembered for something that’s really nobody’s business.
Tory seems to be one of the good guys. He’s arguably among Toronto’s most respected and effective mayors. Many years ago, when I worked as an editor at Rogers Media, he was my boss’s, boss’s boss. Eminently likeable, he’d greet you in the hallway with an open smile and vigorous head nod, as if he knew you well, even though he didn’t know you at all.
He was a master at making people feel good, apparently including — as we all now know — a woman 37 years his junior.
He appears to be a decent man who, to some people’s minds, did something incredibly indecent.
The ranks of the “indecent” are legion.
According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, 25 per cent of men and 15 per cent of married women will have affairs. The actual incidence of infidelity is about 20 per cent higher when emotional and sexual relationships that don’t go “all the way” are included. (These estimates are considered low since researchers are reliant on the honest confessions of people who haven’t been honest.)
Tory is 68, at a time in life when his good looks are beginning to fade, and his jowls and paunch are beginning to emerge. The sexual energy of a younger woman likely helped stave off his fears about becoming old and irrelevant.
You may think that because he’s older he should know better, but reckless lustfulness isn’t confined to the young. In fact, the older you are and the longer you’ve been married, the greater the chances your marriage could be hit by the gamechanging grenade of an affair. A report by the U.S. Institute of Family Studies indicates that people between the ages of 60 and 70 are the ones most likely to cheat.
Tory is just another older dude who’s part of a major demographic trend.
People have affairs for all sorts of reasons. And what’s considered “cheating” anyway? A one-timeonly stolen kiss? Surreptitious use of porn? Keeping financial secrets? An emotional affair? An online sex chat with someone you’d never meet in real life?
Can it be considered “unfaithful” if you refuse to have sex with your partner while expecting them to simultaneously shut down their libido even if they still want to get it on? It’s complicated.
Tory said he engaged in the affair during a time when he and his wife of 44 years were spending “many lengthy periods apart” while he carried out his duties at work — the implication being that a guy has got to get it somewhere.
Seems the office is as good a place as any.
Affairs are demoralizing, destructive and devastating. It can be the greatest betrayal that befalls a person and it’s something no one expects to happen when they float down their wedding aisle on a misty cloud of unrealistic visions of happily ever after. Because — for the vast majority of people — happily ever after is unrealistic. Half of marriages end in divorce and studies show that about 25 per cent of those couples who decide to stick it out no longer love each other. That means only about one in four people will be able to achieve the ideal of a long-lasting happy marriage.
That leaves a whole lot of us feeling as though we’ve failed at marriage when the odds were never in our favour to begin with.
Why are people willing to risk everything — their high-profile reputations, the devotion of their children, the respect of their partner —
for sex outside of marriage? Blame evolutionary biology, the desire to be desired, or just sheer horniness. The 60-million-member cheating website Ashley Madison plays on fears of mortality with the tagline, “Life is short. Have an affair,” suggesting a roll in the hay can help mitigate the sting of eventually rolling in your grave.
Adultery has existed since the dawn of marriage and it’s the main reason people get divorced. Perhaps the drama of divorce could be avoided if we were more aware and prepared for the fact that at some point during a long-term marriage, there will inevitably be temptations to stray. The question is — what to do about it?
Being courageous enough to honestly admit to your partner that you find yourself sexually attracted to another person — and finding a way to work through it — might be one way. But how many of us would be willing to have these sorts of conversations?
Some couples who are determined to stay together acknowledge that lifelong sexual monogamy just doesn’t work for them. They’ve come up with creative ways to have their cake and eat it too — whether it’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” arrangements, open marriages, polyamory or swinging. Studies conducted by sex researcher Dr.
Justin Lehmiller at The Kinsey Institute show an increase in consensual nonmonogamy with one in five people admitting to having been in such a relationship.
For some people I know, their partner’s affair was a death knell to the marriage. For others, it was a wake-up call to work harder on the relationship. One friend, who had been married for more than 40 years, told me after her husband’s funeral that he had cheated early on in their first years together. “He admitted it and I forgave him,” she said. “We had a wonderful life together.”
But he didn’t commit a crime — nothing like smoking crack and getting charged for abusing one’s wife, like the scandal-plagued Rob Ford, who did not feel compelled to resign. Or displaying the kind of despicable behaviour of Donald Trump who boasted about grabbing women by their pussies. He of course never entertained the idea of resigning either.
These are the behaviours that are truly indecent.
Tory’s affair isn’t germane to his job performance. I regret to see that he resigned, but I understand why he felt compelled to do so. We’re all still too judgmental about people who have affairs.
Wherever he put his privates, it should remain just that: private.
We’re all still too judgmental about people who have affairs