For People to Really Know Us, We Need to Show Up
A few years ago, when I lived in Northern California, I often hiked under old-growth redwoods. The trees stretch some 60 meters tall, but the roots run only two or three meters deep. Instead of growing down, they grow out, enmeshing themselves with the roots of their neighbors. Redwoods can survive only in a grove, bound together in obligation.
Humans, too, need one another: We are stronger when enmeshed with others in community. But in our age of autonomy, efficiency, boundaries and self-care, we too often deprioritize, if not overlook altogether, the wellspring of strength and meaning that comes from obligation.
For people to really know us, we need to show up consistently. Over time, what starts as an obligation becomes something we want to do, something that we cannot imagine living without. The spiritual teacher Ram Dass once wrote that “we’re all just walking each other home.” But that is true only if we do not constantly cancel our walking plans.
Building community and lasting friendships means giving up some autonomy and control. This is not to say we should sacrifice all self-regard. But we could benefit from a bit less focus on ourselves and a bit more on making time for the messiness of relationships. Many of us did this as children: We showed up for teams and youth groups, even though some days it was a drag.
Community was once built into many people’s lives through organized religion. Adults would go to church, synagogue or mosque every week, and see the same people. They would contribute in a way that made them feel good, too — perhaps cooking for a Sunday dinner or raising money for a local charity. Making the commitments required when volunteering puts people in service to others. What is lost in freedom is gained in community and belonging.
Researchers have found that people who go to religious services repeatedly are healthier and live longer. These benefits do not owe themselves to what specific god participants were praying to, but that they felt obligated to show up regularly in a community setting.
But over the last few decades, organized religion has been in decline, and nothing has replaced it. Work relationships go only so far. If you are not expected anywhere from week to week for something requiring your attendance, fewer people will miss you.
When you are not missed, you become lonely. Recent data from Morning Consult found that 58 percent of American adults feel lonely, with a whopping 79 percent of young adults reporting feeling lonely.
The answer is to find ways to be in obligation with others. For example, you could join (or start) a book club or a walking club. You could volunteer in your community to check in on seniors. The key is that an obligation involves a mutual contract of responsibility and that it lives in pen (not pencil) on your calendar. A hidden cost of smartphones is how easy they have made it to cancel on people. If you value friendships and community, schedule time for them as you would any other important meeting.
By definition, obligation is not optional. And therein lies its power: It makes you think twice before opting out. In the moment, canceling plans in the name of boundaries, wanting to be more efficient or take better care of yourself might feel great. But in the long run,
Building community means giving up some autonomy.
the communities and people to whom we commit ourselves play a central role in what gives our lives joy and meaning.
The Morning Consult data found that 63 percent of adults making less than $50,000 per year felt lonely. If people are working multiple jobs and struggling to pay their bills, starting a monthly book club is surely a low priority.
And yet social connection is a basic need, too. If we want the strength, stability and staying power of a redwood, we would be wise to enmesh ourselves in obligation with others, and to work toward a society that makes this possible for everyone.