Husband’s getaway demand unreasonable
Q My marriage is on the rocks. We have a three-year-old and a seven-month-old baby. To be honest, we probably shouldn’t have had the second baby, but we thought it would help and we didn’t want our son to be an only child.
But we’re just not meant to be together anymore. We have different values, different thoughts on parenting, and different hopes and dreams for the future.
One of us really just needs to pull the plug.
My husband is insisting that we go away together. One last attempt or one last hurrah, I’m not sure which. But it will mean I have to stop breastfeeding my baby, and I’m not ready for that. I know that if I use that as an excuse to not go away, my husband will be gutted and angry.
I don’t know what to do. What’s your advice?
Hubby vs. baby
A This is tricky because, as a mother myself, my advice may not be what I would have done in your situation. You have to really look within and decide — is your marriage really over? If it is, going away when you’re still attached to your baby isn’t going to be fair on any of you.
Your baby will suffer the separation (but will be fine), you’ll suffer from self-imposed guilt and hormonal fluctuation, and your husband won’t get the best of you no matter what his hopes or intentions.
I think you need to be honest with him. Tell him that while a getaway just the two of you is necessary no matter what state your marriage is in, now is not the opportune time.
Agree on a proposed date, whether that’s three, six, or 12 months from now, and work toward that goal.
He may not like it, and feel you’ve chosen the baby over him, but that’s an unfair claim on a breastfeeding mother. The physiological connection is significant and affects a woman’s emotional equilibrium.
You need to be in a more balanced hormonal position to be able to calmly work through fixing your marriage, or its demise.
Feedback Regarding the unwanted husband (April 27):
Reader “I read this letter and thought that it could have been written by my husband. We have been married almost 50 years. Even on vacation, I am often stuck in the wife mode.
“My sleep schedule is opposite to his so I am up and active early, bringing coffee back to the room and waiting for him to get up. He likes to slowly get into the day, so I do my own thing. I do what my husband wants for most of the day because it isn’t worth fighting over. After years of trying to vacation in different locations, doing interesting activities, we always end up compromising and neither of us is truly happy.
“Your advice to this unhappy fellow is spot-on. He might consider looking into some personal counselling if he thinks he is doing all the right things already because he needs help with self-reflection. I have been there with my husband. Couples counselling led to individual which I continued after my husband told me that I needed it and he didn’t. It helped me immensely with my self-worth and setting boundaries.
“I can also see where my husband is coming from and understand my part in our issues. It has helped me continue in a relationship that has been stagnant for years, but we are decent partners overall. We lead very separate lives for the most part but in my case, it is the happiest I’ve been in decades.”