Can you eat too much cheese? Hear me out
“So, I had to go to the emergency room last night,” said the text.
We do not take sentences like that lightly in this family.
Since Christopher had a brain tumour removed three years ago, his doctors have been strict about what symptoms or problems he can ignore, and unfortunately, there are very few things that fall into that category.
I phoned him.
“Stop freaking out, it’s fine,” he said as he answered.
“I’m not freaking out, but if I were, I’m allowed to. What’s going on?”
“We were watching TV and I realized I couldn’t hear right. Changes like that aren’t good, so Pammy dropped me off at the hospital.”
Christer already can’t see properly anymore. Everything that starts to go on the fritz is a huge deal, as we’re having a very difficult time reassembling him. Yes, I do freak out.
“I would have come out. I could have stayed with you, or at least the dogs.” The kids know I do not like leaving the house after 7 p.m., so this was a very gracious offer.
“It’s really fine, it’s just sort of embarrassing.”
Nothing embarrasses Christer. Nothing. There have been many occasions when I have begged him to stop talking because as a mother, there are things I just don’t need to know.
“The doctor was examining me, and then he asked if I’d had a lot of dairy recently,” he said.
“Dairy? Is your gut messed up again?” I was confused.
“Nope, the hearing. He said too much dairy can mess with your hearing.”
“What did you tell him?” “That I’d eaten a ton of cheese that day.”
“Are you telling me you went deaf because of cheese?”
“I’m fine now.”
“Are you telling me you ate so much cheese you went temporarily deaf? That a doctor looked in your ears and saw cheese?”
Pammy grabbed the phone and explained that Costco had cheese strings on sale, and as a treat, she’d bought them for Christopher. I know kids like cheese strings. I used to buy them for the boys when they were young. Christopher is 32.
“How many cheese strings did he eat?”
“I don’t want to tell you,” she replied.
“Well, there’s only so many in a package,” I reasoned.
“Costco,” she said. Oh. Costco. Where reasonably sized servings go to die.
“Did he eat dozens of cheese strings? Forget it. I don’t want to know.”
The kids were all over a few days
later. Ari burst through the door first.
“Did you hear that Christopher ate 64 cheese strings and went deaf?”
Little brothers are the best. “Are you kidding me right now?” I yelled as his brother came in behind him.
“I don’t think it was that many. There may have been some left, and we haven’t ascertained how many there were to start with.” Now I had a temporarily deaf, cheese-stringeating lawyer on my hands. I looked at Pammy. She was laughing so hard she couldn’t speak. Christer looked as sheepish as he did when I caught him pushing a three-yearold Ari down the front steps in a blue box so they could practise tobogganing in the summer.
“Pretty wild that dairy can cause hearing problems,” said Christopher, as if this were a science experiment and not a lived experience. “Who knew?”
The conversation moved along while I kept muttering over cheese strings. The kids sometimes share groceries when it’s a better deal to buy in quantity unless one of them eats all the cheese strings.
“Hey, Christer,” said Ari. “Costco has cases of burritos. They’re good.” I looked at Pammy.
“Do not buy him a case of burritos,” I said.
“I promise, Mama L,” she laughed. If you’re an ER doctor, thank you and I’m sorry.
LORRAINE SOMMERFELD HAS WRITTEN THE MOTHERLODE COLUMN FOR OVER 20 YEARS. SHE IS ALSO AN AWARD-WINNING AUTO JOURNALIST, AND HER FIRST NOVEL, “A FACE IN THE WINDOW,” IS AVAILABLE AT AFACEINTHEWINDOW.COM. YOU CAN REACH HER AT CONTACT@LORRAINEONLINE.CA.