Sick of being the bad cop with my kids
Q My husband and I have three kids, ranging from three to nine, and our challenge is with how to deal with bad behaviour. I know we’re supposed to be a united front, but we don’t always agree on what’s appropriate. And that can sometimes turn into a good cop/bad cop situation.
My husband is very easygoing and has a kids-will-be-kids attitude. Which leaves me to be the bad cop. I don’t like it, but I don’t think it’s responsible to just to turn a blind eye to hitting or name calling. Isn’t it our job to teach them right from wrong?
Our kids are all very high energy. We definitely hear from the teachers of the older two that they talk a lot in class and don’t always do as they’re told. It’s nothing extreme, but I do worry that if we don’t discipline them consistently things could snowball.
I’ve seen people talk about gentle parenting, which seems to be the new craze, like attachment parenting or free-range parenting before that. Honestly, when I hear the term gentle parenting it sounds to me more like no parenting at all.
We need an approach to parenting where we can let our kids know what’s expected of them — from the world, not just us! — and what will happen if they break those rules. I’m not looking for a chance to bring back corporal punishment here. I just need something that works, and that both me and my good-cop husband can live with.
A Worried Bad Cop
A You’re so right about the various styles of parenting that come in and out of favour — it’s confusing and makes you feel like if you just wait a minute another one might be along soon.
It strikes me that this fact may be a way in for you and your husband to come together. The fact that you two aren’t on the same page about discipline is your principal problem. Eventually your kids can start to appreciate the nuances that distinguish your standards vs. your husband’s, but for now those differences are only going to exacerbate tensions. You need to be a team.
There’s so much material out there — books, articles, YouTube videos — that you can consume together and discuss what kind of team you’re going to be.
I agree that gentle parenting sounds pretty … I don’t know, limp? And doesn’t reflect the pace that most of us are living at — you especially with your full house of energetic kids. Still, I do think the philosophy holds a lot of value, particularly when it comes to dealing with unwanted behaviours. Many of the experts affiliated with gentle parenting like to talk about boundaries rather than punishments.
The wildly popular Dr. Becky of Instagram (Becky Kennedy), reminds parents that the first rule of parenting is safety. And safety leads to boundaries.
If your five-year-old is about to smack her three-year-old brother, a boundary looks like taking hold of her wrist and saying, “I can’t let you hit your brother.” You’ve asserted a boundary, little dude doesn’t get clocked and your daughter sees that you won’t allow her to act on her big/bad feelings. And because you caught the incident before it happened, there’s no punishment necessary. In an older kid, you might worry about the unhealthy side effects of too much screen time. So this might look like putting the iPad away after your nine-yearold has had their allotted time with it. They may complain and whine about it, but if you’re firm about removing the iPad, you take away the possibility that your kid sneaks an extra hour and then needs a consequence for it.
Another mental shift that’s helpful comes from Laura Markham of “Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids.” She points to research that shows kids who are frequently punished don’t end up being better behaved kids, they become concerned with avoiding punishments rather than wanting to do the right things. These kids end up lying to avoid getting in trouble, are less connected to their parents and, worst, feel badly about themselves.
This identity piece is big. A kid who is encouraged to see herself as a good and kind person will — while making lots of mistakes along the way — eventually match their behaviour to their identity. If a kid experiences a lot of punishments — for probably some of those same mistakes — they absorb the message that they’re bad. If your kid will only behave well in order to avoid discipline, they won’t build the emotional muscle they need to do right on their own.
Whatever you and your husband land on, it’s got to be something that you both feel comfortable with and that you’ll both engage with. It’s not fair that you are saddled with the bad cop job.
So don’t be. You and your husband need to try taking on new, non-cop roles: ones where you’re both enforcing boundaries and encouraging your kids to be the amazing people you know they are.
And go easy on yourselves — you’ll all needs tons of practice.