The truth and noth­ing but the truth

The Labradorian - - Editorial - P.J. Dwyer Gan­der

The next elec­tion is not too far off for many vot­ers and for many oth­ers it’s too far off. It’s never too early to start adrift one’s po­lit­i­cal plat­i­tudes for the next elec­tion. I’m ad­vo­cat­ing right now that when elected in the next elec­tion, I will not join any of the three tra­di­tional pro­vin­cial donoth­ing, spend­thrift-ev­ery­thing par­ties, but as­sure ev­ery el­i­gi­ble and non-el­i­gi­ble voter that I will sit as an in­de­pen­dent, in the hall next to the fire es­cape if nec­es­sary.

An in­de­pen­dent what party? Well, I’m not sure yet, but it will be an in­de­pen­dent some­thing or other and you can quote me on that. Oops, let some­thing out of the se­cret po­lit­i­cal bag as it were. Well, it’s out now, it’s in black and white and I can’t take it back, it’s on the record, so to speak. You coaxed it out of me, so here it is. I’m in. It’s early but rather than wait for a call from the pre­mier, my han­dlers (mem­bers of the im­me­di­ate and ex­tended fam­ily) and I have de­cided to run in the next pro­vin­cial elec­tion in that won­der­ful, foggy, rugged land­scape once known to puffins and the great auk as Dire Straits.

I will not be a party to any han­ky­panky, fraud­u­lence, flat­u­lence, or any of the malarkey cur­rently go­ing on in the House. I will not stand for it nor sit for it at any time.

Yes, I know and you know, and I know you know that we have all been told mil­len­nium times about Dire Straits; it’s poverty, eco­nomic down­turns, end­less unem­ploy­ment, abun­dance of taxes, over­taxed work­ers, over­paid politi­cians, ex­trav­a­gant gas prices, hor­ren­dous home en­ergy costs soon to sky­rocket, false prom­ises, and can’t do this and can’t do that. Well, it’s over. Vot­ers called, texted and twit­tered and I re­luc­tantly lis­tened, read and re­sponded. I as­sured ev­ery voter, el­i­gi­ble and non, that I will not be a party to any han­ky­panky, fraud­u­lence, flat­u­lence, or any of the malarkey cur­rently go­ing on in the House. I will not stand for it nor sit for it at any time.

It will be more of a bal­anced, laid­back kind of ap­proach. It will be the new look and the new hook for the fu­ture. I will be say­ing much more about this and that in the me­dia, but in the end it will mean ab­so­lutely noth­ing, as in zero, zilch. That is the only prom­ise I will make. Even if I guar­an­tee it, don’t be­lieve me, I have no in­ten­tion of do­ing it and I say that with a sin­cere heart, be­lieve you me.

I want to be the first can­di­date out of the gate, off the block, to get my name out there and be the first un­elected wanna-be politi­cian to be nom­i­nated so I can move for­ward re­lent­lessly with my can­di­dacy and campaign. I call it the Dou­ble C or the CCDS. If I’m not too busy cam­paign­ing or too lazy to campaign, I may get the valu­able time needed to drop a few lines to The Peo­ple’s Pa­per from time to time, to share some sin­gu­lar in­sights about Dire Straits as I go about the busi­ness of in­creas­ing my perks, salary and gold-plated pen­sion for the ul­ti­mate good of the peo­ple of this great waste­land of dashed hopes and hope­less projects. There will be no more bil­lions or tril­lions spent on damn­falls or moth­balls, you can count on that. Get your dories and han­d­lines ready, folks — have not will be no more. The cod are call­ing from the deep bays of Dire Straits.

Ladies and gen­tle­men of Dire Straits, I have ev­ery con­fi­dence that you will make the right de­ci­sion when your di­vine right to vote presents it­self, that you will do the right thing for your piti­ful dis­tricts and vote clearly, de­ci­sively and of­ten for the in­de­pen­dent what can­di­dates. Past politi­cians have done it, and in very re­cent times, oth­ers have done it, I can do it and we can do it.

Or you can do it, but please don’t run in Dire Straits, it’s al­ready taken. Run some­where else for the good of your­self and your fam­ily and, of course, the few work­ing diehards of Dire Straits., etc., etc., the usual po­lit­i­cal dou­ble speak ad in­fini­tum. Let’s make Dire Straits Great Again.

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