A QUICK GUIDE TO SUPPORTING SOMEONE COMING OUT AS ASEXUAL

• DO NOT treat asexuality as a challenge to overcome or something that should be ‘fixed.’ Saying things like “How do you know that you’re asexual if you haven’t tried this?” or “You just haven’t found the right person yet” pathologizes asexuality by presenting it as a condition which should be ‘cured.’ Attraction is not the same as behaviour, and, if someone is not sexually attracted to others, having sex will not suddenly change this.

INSTEAD, consider responding with something like, “You’re asexual? Ok, thanks for telling me.” Legitimize the person’s experience without assuming that they are looking for a solution. If someone is coming out to you, they are trusting you with an important part of their identity; they just need you to listen and support.

• DO NOT give your opinion on the person’s sexual orientation. Your opinion may range from “I do not understand how that is possible,” to “That must be terrible to live with,” to “That’s amazing, I wish I was asexual too.” All of these responses, although they may be well-meaning, are alienating and reinforce the idea that asexual people are different and abnormal. Telling someone how to feel about their sexual orientation invalidates their own feelings about it.

INSTEAD, try your best to understand the person’s feelings. It’s ok if you feel differently about sex and if you are confused by asexuality, but it’s also essential that you are supportive. Inform yourself on AVEN, read the Family & Friends FAQ, or ask the person for other resources you can read.

• DO NOT try to find a cause for the person’s sexual orientation, whether that is a biological cause (“Is it a hormonal imbalance?,” “Is there something wrong with your genitals?”) or a cause linked to mental health and past experiences (“Were you abused?,” “Are you repressed or afraid of commitment?”). These questions are rude and intrusive, and may be triggering. An asexual person does not owe you explanations or any insight into their private history. Similarly, do not ask about sexual habits such as masturbation unless they address it themselves.

INSTEAD, respect the person’s intimacy and boundaries. Choose listening over speaking, and accept what the person decides to share with you without asking for more. If you do feel like you need to address sensitive topics, ask the person beforehand if they are comfortable with it, and issue content warnings. If they call you out or refuse to answer a question, accept criticism openly and do not insist.

• DO NOT assume what the person wants or doesn’t want. This can be especially tricky when this person is your romantic and/or sexual partner. Asexuality is not the same as sex-repulsion: some asexual people may choose never to engage in sexual acts, while others are open to the idea and may experience sexual pleasure (attraction and pleasure are not the same). Do not invalidate someone’s identity as asexual just because they agree to have sex with you and/or express sensual, romantic, or aesthetic attraction.

INSTEAD, make sure you are establishing and maintaining open communication. Ask for consent regularly and explicitly, and respect ‘no’ as an answer. Set clear boundaries and respect them at all times. Be aware that all asexuals experience sex differently and have the right to be unsure or change their mind.

• DO NOT ‘out’ an asexual person without their authorization. Although it may seem as though asexuals do not face stigma or discrimination on the basis of their sexual orientation, because it is defined by an ‘absence’ of something, this is not true. Coming out can be a difficult, painful, and daunting process, that each person engages or doesn’t engage with differently, just like for any other member of the queer community.